Philosophy Behind Leaning in and Leaning Out:
Discernment Counseling operates on the principle of taking couples where they are when one partner (the "leaning out" spouse) is uncertain about continuing the marriage and trying couples therapy, while the other (the "leaning in" spouse) is eager to save it. This dynamic requires a thoughtful and nuanced approach, as traditional couples therapy often assumes both partners have at least some motivation to repair the relationship.
The philosophy of Discernment Counseling balances neutrality with hope, creating a space where both partners feel respected and understood. The discernment counselor’s role is to hold space for each spouse’s emotions and goals on a decision about a direction for the marriage, while gently challenging their perspectives to uncover deeper truths. Discernment Counseling emphasizes personal agency, encouraging each partner to make an informed decision about their personal contributions to getting to the point that divorce is a possibility, as well as confidence in next steps, whether that involves keeping the status quo for now (path 1);, separating/divorcing (path 2); or entering serious couples therapy (path 3.)
For the leaning-out spouse, the focus is on exploring their ambivalence and helping them gain clarity about the relationship dynamics and their contributions to the marriage’s challenges, even if they are contemplating divorce and don’t have the energy to work on the marriage. You’re likely also exploring any past attempts at couple repair and how they may have been ineffective and affected this client’s desire to “try again” in couples therapy. The goal is not to push them toward unreflective reconciliation but to consider the potential for meaningful change if they decide to pursue couples therapy. If they still choose to leave the marriage, the hope is they have a better handle on their contributions so they might avoid the same patterns that hurt this marriage, in a new relationship. “You can’t divorce yourself.”
For the leaning-in spouse, the emphasis is on managing their desire to preserve the marriage without falling into desperation or pressure tactics. They are guided to more deeply understand their spouse’s pain and reason for leaning out, reflect on their own contributions to the marital issues, and demonstrate an openness to change that might positively influence the leaning out partner’s interest in trying couples therapy to heal the relationship.