First Session Who to Start With and Why

DC 2025 First Session Who to Start With and Why

In discernment counseling, after the initial scripted questions, you face a critical decision: which spouse to talk to first in the individual conversations. This lesson provides guidance on when to start with the leaning out spouse and when to start with the leaning in spouse, along with the rationale behind these decisions. You’ll be thinking through these as you finish up the core questions in session one.

Key Considerations:

Connection and Alliance:

Leaning Out: If your connection with the leaning out spouse feels weak or uncertain, prioritize talking to them first to establish a stronger alliance.
Leaning In: If you have a solid connection with the leaning out spouse and they seem engaged in the process, consider starting with the leaning in spouse.

Fragility and Distress:

Leaning Out: If the leaning out spouse appears highly distressed or fragile about their decision, talk to them first to provide support and understanding.
Leaning In: If the leaning in spouse is highly agitated or making classic mistakes that are driving their partner away, prioritize talking to them first to address these issues.

Clarity of Reasons:

Leaning Out: If the leaning out spouse's reasons for considering divorce do not add up or seem unclear, talk to them first to gain more insight into their motivations.
Leaning In: If the leaning in spouse shows a lack of understanding about their partner's pain points, start with them to help them gain new insights.

Summary and Reporting Out:

Always think ahead to the summary and what information might be valuable to share with the other spouse.
Leaning Out: Ensure they can report learning something new about the relationship or their own role, and express a willingness to have another session.
Leaning In: Help them grasp something new about their partner's reality and own something they haven't before.

When to Start with the Leaning Out Spouse:

Weak Connection: If your connection with the leaning out spouse feels uncertain or weak.
High Distress: If the leaning out spouse appears highly distressed or fragile about their decision.
Unclear Reasons: If the leaning out spouse's reasons for considering divorce do not add up or seem unclear.

When to Start with the Leaning In Spouse:

Solid Connection: If you have a solid connection with the leaning out spouse and they seem engaged in the process.
Classic Mistakes: If the leaning in spouse is making classic mistakes that are driving their partner away, such as pursuing, scolding, or playing on guilt.
Lack of Understanding: If the leaning in spouse shows a lack of understanding about their partner's pain points.

Decision-Making Process:

There is no one-size-fits-all answer; consider the unique dynamics of each couple.
Think ahead to the summary and what information might be valuable to share with the other spouse.
Prioritize establishing a strong connection and alliance with the spouse who seems more uncertain or distressed.
Be prepared to adjust your approach based on the couple's responses and interactions during the session.

Conclusion:

The decision of who to start with in the first session of discernment counseling is a critical judgment call. By considering the connection, fragility, clarity of reasons, and potential summary insights, you can make an informed decision about which spouse to talk to first. This approach ensures that you address the most pressing issues and establish a strong foundation for the discernment process.

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