Handling Recent Affair in Discernment Counseling

DC 2025 Handling Recent Affair in Discernment Counseling

Working with couples in crisis after a recent affair involves navigating intense emotions, setting clear expectations, and ensuring full responsibility and clarity. This process requires a delicate balance between addressing the affair and exploring broader relationship issues.

DC Handout - Recent or Past Affairs

Key Points:

Setting Expectations:

Clearly communicate that discernment counseling is not the therapy to heal from the wounds caused by the affair. That healing will occur in path three (couples therapy) if chosen.
Help the leaning-out partner understand that the goal of discernment counseling is to decide whether to enter therapy for healing and other relationship issues.

Full Responsibility:

Ensure that the leaning-in partner (who had the affair) takes full responsibility for their actions, avoiding excuses or blame.
Help them understand the personal trajectory that led to the affair and express genuine sorrow, regret, and understanding of their choice.

Separating the Affair from the Relationship:

Distinguish the affair from other issues in the relationship, recognizing that the affair is one contributing factor among many.
Explore other interaction patterns and problems in the relationship that need to be addressed, just as you would with any other couple.

Empathy and Sympathy:

Show empathy and sympathy towards both partners, recognizing the intense emotions and pain involved.
Avoid a lopsided focus on the affair, ensuring that both partners' contributions to the relationship problems are addressed.

Interaction Patterns:

Help both partners examine their interaction patterns and contributions to the problems, both before and after the affair.
Encourage the leaning-out partner to look at their own contributions to the relationship dynamics and pain.

Delicate Dance:

Navigate the delicate balance between acknowledging the leaning-in partner's full responsibility for the affair and exploring shared responsibility for other relationship issues.
Ensure that the leaning-out partner is open to vulnerability and healing in couples therapy, while the leaning-in partner is committed to taking full responsibility and improving the relationship.

Residual Contact:

Address the possibility of residual contact with the affair partner, helping the leaning-out partner understand that it does not necessarily indicate insincerity.
Encourage the leaning-in partner to make a definitive decision to cut off all contact with the affair partner.

Conclusion:

Working with couples in crisis after a recent affair requires setting clear expectations, ensuring full responsibility, separating the affair from broader relationship issues, and navigating a delicate balance between empathy and accountability. By addressing interaction patterns, encouraging vulnerability, and managing residual contact, therapists can help couples make informed decisions about their relationship's future.

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