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Handling Yes But Responses From LO

DC 2025 Handling Yes But Responses From LO

Key Points:

Transitioning from Empathy to Interaction Patterns:

Move from empathizing with the leaning out (LO) spouse's distress and reasons for considering divorce to helping them see interaction patterns and their own contributions to the problems.
Expand the LO spouse's narrative to include a broader view of the relationship issues.

Identifying "Yes, But" Responses:

Listen for "yes, but" responses, which indicate the LO spouse is not fully taking in what you are saying.
These responses can be direct or indirect but are a key predictor of failure in therapy if they occur early in the process.

Responding to "Yes, But":

When you hear a "yes, but" response, return to the LO spouse's reality with full-hearted empathy.
Example: "So that's another example you're describing of how you felt let down and abandoned."

Seeking Permission to Shift:

After providing empathy, seek permission to shift the conversation to broader issues, such as interaction patterns and each person's contributions.
Example: "Would it be okay if we spend a little time talking about some of what we try to do in discernment counseling, and that is to look at the interactions, what's happened in the relationship and each person's contribution?"

Processing the Interactional Dynamic:

If the LO spouse continues with "yes, but" responses, process the interactional dynamic between you and the LO spouse.
Example: "How are you feeling right now about me? What's that like for you when I suggest we talk about this?"

Avoiding Struggles:

Avoid getting into a struggle by not correcting or adding to your point, as this can escalate the situation.
Instead, focus on understanding the LO spouse's feelings and the dynamic between you.

Bringing the Relationship into the Conversation:

Use the relationship between you and the LO spouse as a key point of discussion to help them see the interaction patterns in their marriage.
Example: "I'm bringing our relationship into the conversation as the key thing we're working on at this point."

Timing:

Ensure there is enough time left in the session to process the LO spouse's feelings about you pushing them on this topic.
Avoid bringing up these discussions in the last few minutes of the session to prevent sounding frustrated.

Conclusion:

Handling "yes, but" responses in discernment counseling involves transitioning from empathy to exploring interaction patterns and each person's contributions. By listening for these responses, providing full-hearted empathy, seeking permission to shift the conversation, processing the interactional dynamic, avoiding struggles, and bringing the relationship into the discussion, you can help the LO spouse gain clarity and confidence in discerning the direction of their marriage.

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