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How to Avoid Pursuing a LO Too Hard

DC 2025 How to Avoid Pursuing a LO Too Hard

Avoiding the Trap of Over-Pursuing:

Discernment counselors may be tempted, especially in the second session, to push the leaning out (LO) spouse towards changing their mind about divorce and moving to Path Three.
This temptation arises from the counselor's hope for the couple's healing and restoration.

Focusing on Learning and Understanding:

Instead of pushing for a specific outcome, focus on helping the LO spouse learn about the marriage's dynamics, interaction patterns, and critical incidents.
Emphasize the LO spouse's contributions to the problems and how they have interacted together over the years.

Expanding the Divorce Narrative:

The LO spouse has a narrative about why they are considering divorce. The counselor's role is to add complexity to this narrative by exploring interaction patterns and each person's contributions.
Avoid advocating for Path Three directly. Instead, help the LO spouse gain a deeper understanding of the marriage's issues.

Identifying Interaction Patterns:

Help the LO spouse recognize patterns such as conflict avoidance, pursue-distance, or over-under functioning.
Encourage the LO spouse to see these patterns and understand their role in them.

Opening Up the Possibility of Healing:

If the LO spouse recognizes a pattern, acknowledge that it can be changed through couples therapy (Path Three).
Example: "This pattern can be changed. This is what couples therapy is about. And if you were to choose Path Three, this is a treatable problem."

Respecting the LO Spouse's Ambivalence:

Acknowledge that the LO spouse may not have the hope or energy to choose Path Three.
Example: "You may or may not have enough hope and energy ultimately to choose to work on these patterns in Path Three."

Facilitating Informed Decision-Making:

The goal is to help the LO spouse make a better decision by understanding the complexities of their marriage and their contributions to the problems.
Example: "I'm trying to help you see what's going on and your contributions to it, as a way to help you make a better decision."

Avoiding Direct Advocacy:

Do not act like a doctor prescribing a treatment. Instead, open up the possibility of healing without pushing the LO spouse towards a specific path.
Example: "I'm trying to open up the possibility of healing, but without pursuing somebody who's leaning out that that's the option that they should take."

Conclusion:

Avoiding over-pursuing in discernment counseling involves focusing on learning and understanding, expanding the divorce narrative, identifying interaction patterns, opening up the possibility of healing, respecting the LO spouse's ambivalence, facilitating informed decision-making, and avoiding direct advocacy. By following these guidelines, you can help the LO spouse gain a deeper understanding of their marriage's issues and make informed decisions about their future.

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