For the purposes of offering discernment counseling, it is important to appreciate that the research field is blossoming with regard to nuances around people’s beliefs on divorce, the reasons given, and a sense of interest in reconciliation.
As DC becomes more widespread, or even as you discuss your cases with colleagues, it is important to appreciate the journey from being satisfied with one's marriage to being on the brink is quite complex. Some people may believe that serious thought about divorcing means divorce is inevitable, particularly if they have processed their feelings with friends who support the idea of divorce. An “off-ramp” to process these feelings is what discernment counseling is about and why the research is so vital to ensure DC stays research-based over time.
Your role in the DC protocol is to empathize with and normalize the clients’ pain and problems but offer a chance for the leaning out to explore one last try with what we call path three, which could include couples therapy and sometimes other outside help.
Do not neglect the leaning-in spouse here; your work with them is also intense, especially if they may simply want to stay married but do not see any personal contributions or lack motivation for what may be a second or third round of couples therapy.
For more nuance on reasons and their impact on the desire for reconciliation, we have a good article here.
Couples vary in their reasons, so the list below does not fit all couples, but in top percentage given the analysis given by couples on why they divorced were:
Couples who come for DC are in much more distress on average than couples who show up for regular couples therapy, but it is also why this work can be extremely rewarding.
How the couple interacts and each persons contributions is the key to hope and one massive reason why DC is not simply a pros and cons list for staying married or divorcing.