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Session Three Skill 2 LO Challenging the My Spouse Cannot Change Narrative

DC 2025 Session Three Skill 2 LO Challenging the My Spouse Cannot Change Narrative

Challenging Divorce Narratives and Navigating Discernment Counseling

Key Concepts:

1. Challenging Divorce Narratives:

Identifying Narratives: Recognize common divorce narratives, such as "my spouse can change," and address them by challenging the client's perceptions and leveraging observed changes.
Perspective-Taking: Help the "leaning out" partner understand the difficulties faced by the "leaning in" partner, emphasizing that decisions should not be based solely on how each partner is handling the current limbo.

2. Handling Incongruous Behavior:

Example: A "leaning in" husband suggesting they buy a new house, which confuses the "leaning out" wife. The therapist explains the underlying emotions and motivations behind such actions.
Therapist's Role: Guide the couple to focus on their relationship rather than external actions, highlighting that these actions do not necessarily reflect the state of their relationship.

3. Understanding the Burden of Choice:

Leaned Out Partner: Recognize the burden of choice the "leaning out" partner carries and the uncertainty they face.
Leaned In Partner: Acknowledge the "leaning in" partner's desperation and efforts to control the outcome, which may lead to incongruous behavior.

4. Discernment Counseling Insights:

Common Behaviors: Understand that behaviors observed during discernment counseling, such as the "leaning in" partner's actions, are typical of individuals trying to navigate uncertainty and fear of losing the marriage.
Therapist's Impression: Share observations about the "leaning in" partner's sincerity and efforts to change, providing reassurance to the "leaning out" partner.

5. Opening the Heart:

Emotional Readiness: Explore the "leaning out" partner's emotional state and willingness to open their heart, acknowledging the difficulty and uncertainty involved.
Future Unpredictability: Emphasize that life experiences show the unpredictability of the future, encouraging the partner to consider the possibility of change and growth.

Practical Example:

Client Scenario: A couple in discernment counseling where the husband is "leaning in" and suggesting they buy a new house, while the wife is "leaning out" and finds this confusing.
Therapist's Response: Help the wife understand the husband's desperation and efforts to control the outcome, while encouraging her to focus on their relationship and her emotional readiness to open her heart.

Conclusion:

By challenging divorce narratives and providing perspective on the complexities of discernment counseling, therapists can support couples in making informed decisions about their relationship. This approach helps couples navigate the emotional turmoil and uncertainty, fostering a deeper understanding of each partner's motivations and the potential for positive change.

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