Active Affair Session Four

DC 2025 Active Affair Session Four

Session four in discernment counseling, when the leaning-out partner has been involved in an active affair, involves a shift from discerning about the affair to discerning about the marriage. This session focuses on helping both partners navigate their feelings and intentions regarding the relationship and potential paths forward.

Key Points:

Shift in Discernment:

By session three, the leaning-out partner has decided to end the affair and informed their spouse.
In session four, the focus shifts to discerning about the marriage, exploring interaction patterns, and each person's contributions to the problems.

Healing from the Affair:

Emphasize that healing from the affair will occur in path three (couples therapy), not during discernment counseling.
Normalize the leaning-out partner's feelings of sadness and guilt about ending the affair while focusing on their intentionality and desire to rebuild the marriage.

Complex Feelings:

Acknowledge the complex feelings the leaning-out partner may experience, including guilt, resentment, and worries about proceeding with the marriage.
Help the leaning-out partner understand that their feelings do not define their intentionality or future actions.

Personal Contributions:

Encourage the leaning-out partner to explore their contributions to the relationship beyond the affair, such as conflict patterns and emotional connection.
Help the leaning-in partner understand their contributions to the relationship dynamics over the years without blaming them for the affair.

Personal Agendas for Change:

Assist both partners in creating personal agendas for change that address broader relationship dynamics, not just the affair.
Ensure that the therapy, if chosen, will focus on healing from the affair and improving overall relationship dynamics.

Active Affair Complications:

Recognize that dealing with an active affair may require additional sessions beyond the typical five-session limit.
Establish a contract for the affair to be completely over, with no contact between the leaning-out partner and the affair partner.

Potential Crisis:

Be prepared for potential crises, such as texting between the leaning-out partner and the affair partner, which may cause distress for the leaning-in partner.
Maintain focus on discernment and avoid getting sidetracked by ongoing affair dynamics.

Conclusion:

Session four, when the leaning-out partner has been involved in an affair, involves shifting the focus to discerning about the marriage. By normalizing feelings, exploring personal contributions, and creating personal agendas for change, therapists can help couples navigate their intentions and potential paths forward. This session may require additional support and contracts to manage the complexities of dealing with an active affair.

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