Addressing Substance Use in Discernment Counseling

DC 2025 Addressing Substance Use in Discernment Counseling

Substance abuse is a relational issue in discernment counseling, impacting the dynamics between the leaning-out and leaning-in partners. The discernment counselor’s role is to address the substance use as a relational problem, avoiding the trap of diagnosing or assessing the extent of the substance abuse independently.

DC Handout - Addressing Substance Use in Discernment Counseling

Key Points for the Leaning-in Partner (Substance User):

Relational Approach:

Avoid diagnosing or assessing the substance use independently.
Approach the substance use as a relational issue, acknowledging its impact on the relationship.

Understanding the Dynamics:

Learn about the extent of substance use and its impact on the relationship from the intake, screening, and first session.
Understand the couple's interaction dynamics around the substance use, such as monitoring, scolding, lying, or deception.

Exploring the Relationship with the Substance:

Ask the leaning-in partner about their relationship with the substance, avoiding assumptions or judgments.
Help them see the substance use as a relational issue, acknowledging their partner's distress and the potential impact on the marriage.

Commitment to Change:

Encourage the leaning-in partner to commit to a third-party assessment of their relationship with the substance.
Help them understand that taking the substance use seriously is a crucial part of saving the marriage.

Personal Agenda for Change:

○Assist the leaning-in partner in developing a personal agenda for change, focusing on their relationship with the substance and other aspects of the relationship.

Key Points for the Leaning-out Partner:

Addressing Pain and Distress:

Listen to the leaning-out partner's pain and distress, validating their feelings and the impact of the substance use on the relationship.
Help them see how their interaction patterns around the substance have become distorted, such as overfunctioning or underfunctioning dynamics.

Broadening the Focus:

Encourage the leaning-out partner to look at other aspects of the relationship, acknowledging that the substance use is not the sole cause of their problems.
Help them develop a personal agenda for change, focusing on their contributions to the relationship dynamics and their own growth.

Avoiding Traps:

Avoid advocating for the leaning-in partner's sobriety or aligning with the leaning-out partner's desire for the leaning-in partner to stop using substances.
Encourage both partners to see the substance use as one of many relational issues that need to be addressed.

General Considerations:

Complexity and Clarity:

Recognize the complexity of substance abuse cases and the importance of maintaining clarity about the relational dynamics.
Avoid being drawn into defending the leaning-in partner or advocating for the leaning-out partner's desires.

Focus on Discernment Counseling:

Use discernment counseling to address the relational aspects of substance use, focusing on the couple's dynamics and personal agendas for change.
Recognize that discernment counseling is one step in a potentially longer chain of treatment, but it can provide a unique and valuable contribution to the couple's healing.

Preparing for Path Three:

If the couple chooses path three (couples therapy), ensure that both partners have a personal agenda for change, addressing the substance use and other relational issues.
Help the leaning-in partner commit to treatment or assessment as part of their personal agenda for change.

Conclusion:

Addressing substance abuse in discernment counseling involves approaching the issue relationally, validating both partners' experiences, and helping them develop personal agendas for change. By avoiding traps, broadening the focus, and maintaining clarity, discernment counselors can support couples in navigating the complexities of substance abuse and its impact on their relationship.

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