First Session Optional Question 5: Do you get their conflict pattern

DC 2025 First Session Optional Question 5: Do you get their conflict pattern

The fifth question in the first session of discernment counseling is optional and is used to gain a deeper understanding of the couple’s conflict patterns. This lesson explains the rationale behind asking about the couple’s conflict dynamics and provides guidelines for effectively using this question in your sessions.

When to Use This Question:

* Use this question if you have gaps in your understanding of how the couple interacts during conflicts.

* It is particularly useful if you need more specific information about their interactional dance beyond general complaints or global ideas about incompatibility.

The Question:

“Tell me what happens when you argue.”

Rationale:

Understanding Conflict Dynamics:

This question helps you understand the specific behaviors and patterns that occur when the couple argues.
It provides insights into how each partner contributes to the conflict and their individual roles in the interactional dance.

Preparing for Individual Conversations:

Having a clear understanding of the couple's conflict patterns is crucial for conducting effective individual conversations.
It allows you to address the underlying dynamics and help each partner recognize their role in the conflicts.

Guidelines for Using the Question:

Initial Presentation:

Ask the question in a way that encourages the couple to share specific details about their arguments.
Example: "Tell me what happens when you argue."

Probing for Details:

If the couple does not provide detailed information initially, probe for more specifics.
Example: "Would you say that one of you brings issues to the fore more than the other?"
Follow-up questions can help clarify roles and responses in the conflict.

Assessing Agreement:

Pay attention to whether both partners agree on the dynamics of their conflicts.
Example: "Do you both see it the same way, or do you have different perspectives on what happens during arguments?"

Non-Judgmental Listening:

Listen actively and without judgment, allowing the couple to share their experiences openly.
Take notes on key points and patterns that emerge from their responses.

Tips for Effective Use:

Consistency: Ask the question in a consistent manner to ensure that you gather comparable information from different couples.
Probing: Be prepared to ask follow-up questions to clarify specific details about their conflict patterns.
Time Management: Keep the discussion concise, focusing on key points and avoiding in-depth conversations at this stage.
Individual Conversations: Use the information gathered to inform individual conversations and future sessions, helping each partner recognize their role in the conflicts.

Example of Effective Probing:

Initial Question: "Tell me what happens when you argue."
Follow-Up Questions:

"Who typically brings up the issues?"
"How does the other person respond?"
"Do you both see it the same way, or do you have different perspectives on what happens during arguments?"

Conclusion:

The question "Tell me what happens when you argue" is essential for understanding the specific dynamics of the couple's conflicts. By following the guidelines and tips provide, you can effectively use this question to gather valuable information and set the stage for productive discernment counseling sessions. This approach ensures that both partners have the opportunity to share their perspectives on their conflict patterns and that the session remains focused on the most critical issues.

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