How Relational Intelligence and Personal Agendas Fit Into Path 3

DC 2025 How Relational Intelligence and Personal Agendas Fit Into Path 3

This lesson introduces the concepts of EQ (emotional intelligence), RQ (relational intelligence), and SQ (systems intelligence) to help clients develop personal agendas for change in path three (couples therapy). By connecting emotional intelligence with relational intelligence, therapists can support clients in understanding their contributions to relationship dynamics and developing meaningful personal agendas for change.

EQ, RQ, and SQ:

EQ (Emotional Intelligence): Understanding oneself, one's feelings, and emotional self-awareness. This is the focus of individual psychotherapy.
RQ (Relational Intelligence): Understanding oneself in close, dyadic relationships, and the relational dynamics and dances involved. This is crucial for discernment counseling and couples therapy.
SQ (Systems Intelligence): Understanding how one interacts with three-party systems and larger, more complex systems, such as family of origin or in-law relationships.

Personal Agendas for Change:

Connecting EQ and RQ: Personal agendas for change should connect emotional intelligence (EQ) with relational intelligence (RQ), focusing on how personal issues show up in the relationship.

Examples:

"When I get anxious, I show up in a controlling way or an avoidance way."
"I want to deal with my anxiety better so that I stay in the disagreement and don't flee from it or blow up."

Avoiding Overwhelm:

Personal agendas should focus on a handful of core personal vulnerabilities that show up in the relationship, rather than an overwhelming list of issues.

The Power of Personal Agendas:

Solid Self and Intimate Relationship: The goal is to have a solid self (EQ) and manage an intimate relationship (RQ). This is a lifelong challenge that involves understanding and managing personal vulnerabilities in the context of the relationship.
Future Casting: Even if couples therapy does not work, the personal agendas for change are valuable for future relationships, as they involve learning to show up as an equal partner in an intimate relationship.

Crisis Level if No Personal Agendas:

Refusing to Own Contributions: If a leaning out or leaning in partner refuses to acknowledge any way they are showing up badly or how their personal struggles impact the marriage, it is a crisis for continuing with path three.
Consulting Therapists: Therapists who ignore personal agendas for change and push for couples therapy are setting the couples up for failure, as the success of couples therapy depends on both partners' willingness to change and engage in the process.

Conclusion:

Developing personal agendas for change in path three involves connecting emotional intelligence (EQ) with relational intelligence (RQ) to help clients understand their contributions to relationship dynamics. By focusing on core personal vulnerabilities and their impact on the relationship, therapists can support clients in creating meaningful personal agendas for change, setting the stage for successful couples therapy. If clients refuse to acknowledge their contributions, it is a crisis for continuing with path three, as the success of couples therapy depends on both partners' willingness to change and engage in the process.

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