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Interaction Patterns for Personal Contributions

DC 2025 Interaction Patterns for Personal Contributions

Key Points:

Goals of Discernment Counseling:

The primary goals are to achieve clarity and confidence about decisions for the future of the marriage.
This is based on a deeper understanding of what has happened to the marriage and each person's contributions to the problems.

Interaction Patterns:

Marriage is a continual dance with words, where problems play out daily through interaction patterns.
Personality differences alone do not harm marriages; it's how couples deal with these differences that matters.
Understanding interaction patterns provides insight into the everyday life of the couple and helps in identifying treatable issues.

Common Interaction Patterns:

Pursuer-Distancer Pattern: One partner pursues emotional intimacy while the other distances themselves.
Conflict Avoidance: Couples avoid conflict, leading to unresolved issues and pent-up emotions.
Conflict Escalation: Couples engage in frequent, intense conflicts that often end in burnout.
Triangulation: Involving a third party (e.g., children) in marital conflicts to avoid direct confrontation.

Importance of Interaction Patterns:

Helps couples understand how their problems have developed over time through specific interactions.
Provides hope by showing that these patterns are treatable if both partners are willing to work on them.
Enables couples to see their personal contributions to the problems, which is crucial for personal growth and potential reconciliation.

Identifying Personal Contributions:

Understanding how each partner contributes to negative interaction patterns is essential.
Example: A couple where one partner brings up issues late, leading to flare-ups and shutdowns, while the other partner triangulates by involving the kids.
Helping couples see these patterns without making them feel bad about themselves, but rather understanding the dance they are part of.

Benefits of Understanding Interaction Patterns:

Even if couples decide to divorce, understanding their contributions can help them succeed in future relationships.
Provides a granular view of the relationship, giving couples hope that their issues are treatable.

Identifying Personal Contributions:

Listen for interaction patterns during intake screening, joint sessions, and individual conversations.
Frame these patterns as treatable and help couples see their personal contributions to these patterns.
Encourage couples to see the thousands of choice points in their interactions where they can make changes.

Bonus:

From Bill Doherty’s regular couples therapy approach, alongside the Family FIRO model (with 3 domains, inclusion, control, intimacy) here are some top examples he uses of patterns. The key in a Discernment Counseling context is not to solve these interactions, but to see if both people see their role in these interactions and are interested in working on them in a path 3 couples therapy context.

COMMON COUPLE INTERACTION PATTERNS

Everyday Interaction

Pursuer-Distancer (for closeness, autonomy)
Over-functioning/Under-functioning (subsets can include Parent/Adolescent and Moral High Ground/Low Ground)
Frustrated Teacher/Resistant Pupil (boundary invading/resisting, often around instruction about how to communicate and do relationships)

Conflict Interaction

Demand-Withdraw (one initiates, other doesn’t engage)
Flare-Flare during Conflict
Flare-Submit and later Retaliate
Secrecy/Detection
Sibling Competition (who’s the smartest, most popular, gets more resources)

Intimate Communication

One-sided self-disclosure which leads to lack of safety to continue
Boundary invading through pushing a partner to “open up”
Pseudo-vulnerable exchanges revealing well-rehearsed aspects of self
Boundary-less exchanges where spouses play therapist for each other

Conclusion:

Understanding interaction patterns and personal contributions is crucial for effective discernment counseling. By helping couples see the treatable nature of their interaction patterns, you can provide them with hope and a deeper understanding of their relationship dynamics. This approach enables couples to make informed decisions about the future of their marriage and fosters personal growth and potential reconciliation.

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