Leaning In: 2 Ingredients Required for Discernment Counseling

DC 2025 Leaning In: 2 Ingredients Required for Discernment Counseling

It is crucial to assess two key ingredients during the phone screen and the initial sessions to ensure the effectiveness of the discernment counseling process. These ingredients are essential for the leaning-in (LI) spouse, as they indicate the potential for successful marriage counseling.

Here are the two necessary ingredients to listen for in the phone screen, session one and even later if the LI wavers:

Desire for the marriage to survive

The first ingredient is the leaning-in spouse's clear desire to maintain the marriage. It's important to determine if they genuinely want the marriage to continue and if they are certain that they do not want to divorce. This clarity is vital because DC is designed to help couples explore the possibility of reconciling and strengthening their relationship. If the leaning-in spouse is unsure or ambivalent about wanting the marriage, this is a rule out on the phone screen, or a crisis if they were sure, then in session one or later, they are wavering.

Motivation to work on the marriage

The second ingredient is the leaning-in spouse's motivation to actively work on saving the marriage. This involves a willingness to understand their spouse's concerns and a commitment to identifying and addressing their own personal issues that may contribute to the marital problems. The leaning-in spouse should be open to self-reflection and personal growth, as these are essential for making positive changes in the relationship. Without this motivation, the discernment counseling process may be ineffective. This would be a cause to not pursue DC if you discover this on the phone screen, and they can’t sign up to want to work on the marriage (they want the marriage but not to work on it.)

Conclusion:

If the leaning-in spouse lacks either of these attitudes, it becomes an immediate priority for the discernment counselor to address this ambivalence. DC requires a champion for the marriage, and it cannot be the therapist alone. The leaning-in spouse must be fully invested in the process and committed to working on the marriage for DC to be successful. If there is any wavering in these core attitudes, the discernment counselor should focus on helping the leaning-in spouse clarify their feelings and strengthen their commitment to the marriage or determine DC is not a good fit if this is uncovered in the phone screen.

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