When LI Moves Toward Being a LO

A critical moment in discernment counseling occurs when the leaning in (LI) spouse wavers and begins to sound like the leaning out (LO) spouse. This handout provides guidance on how to handle this situation effectively, ensuring that the LI spouse remains committed to the process and the potential for marital healing.

Initial Check-in:

Begin each session with a review of the goals and ask, "Where are you each in your journey towards clarity and confidence?"
Expect the LI spouse to express uncertainty or doubt, such as "I don't know" or "I'm not sure I can make it."

Addressing the LI Spouse First:

Prioritize talking to the LI spouse first, as their commitment is crucial for effective discernment counseling.
Lead with empathy to understand their feelings and what has changed since the last session.

Unpacking Critical Incidents:

Identify any critical incidents or shifts that have occurred, such as a big fight, something the spouse said, or constant contact with a new partner.
Empathize with the LI spouse's feelings and explore the underlying reasons for their wavering.

Returning to the Higher Order Desire:

Ask the LI spouse about their ultimate desire for the marriage and why it is important to them.
Example: "Do you ultimately wish for your marriage to continue and become healthy again?"
Encourage them to express their reasons for wanting the marriage to work, such as love for their partner or children.

Inviting the LI Spouse to Be a Champion:

Emphasize the need for someone to stand up for the marriage and take leadership, even if it is difficult.
Example: "Somebody has got to stand up for the marriage. Somebody has to step up in leadership, even if it's really hard or the odds of your marriage making it are very, very small."

Addressing Fairness and Effort:

Acknowledge that the work level is uneven and it may not be fair, but emphasize the need for the LI spouse to continue leading the effort.
Example: "You've been the one that says 'I'm in,' and that means you got to be looking at yourself, trying to understand what your spouse is coming from."

Ensuring Parity in Effort:

Promise the LI spouse that you will not recommend a path unless their spouse is also willing to work on themselves.
Example: "I will not even recommend a path for you to be on the table unless your spouse is also stepping up, looking herself, being willing to work on self unless there is parity between the two of you in terms of effort."

Handling Resentment and Motivation:

If the LI spouse is overwhelmed by resentment, express concern that they are not using this crisis for soul-searching.
Example: "I'm worried that you're not using this crisis as a time to do some soul-searching about your own contributions."

Reaffirming Commitment:

Encourage the LI spouse to reaffirm their commitment to the marriage and the discernment process.
Example: "I had a kind of a bad week, I know, and my check-in sounded like I wasn't really in. But I realized what that was about. And I do love you. I do want this marriage."

Tips for Effective Intervention:

Lead with Empathy: Always start by understanding the LI spouse's feelings and what has changed.
Unpack Critical Incidents: Identify and explore any critical incidents or shifts that have occurred.
Return to the Higher Order Desire: Focus on the LI spouse's ultimate desire for the marriage and why it is important to them.
Invite the LI Spouse to Be a Champion: Emphasize the need for someone to stand up for the marriage and take leadership.

Address Fairness and Effort: Acknowledge the uneven work level and the need for the LI spouse to continue leading the effort.
Ensure Parity in Effort: Promise the LI spouse that you will not recommend a path unless their spouse is also willing to work on themselves.
Handle Resentment and Motivation: Address any resentment and encourage the LI spouse to use this crisis for soul-searching.
Reaffirm Commitment: Encourage the LI spouse to reaffirm their commitment to the marriage and the discernment process.

Conclusion:

Managing the LI spouse who wavers involves leading with empathy, unpacking critical incidents, returning to the higher order desire, inviting the LI spouse to be a champion, addressing fairness and effort, ensuring parity in effort, handling resentment and motivation, and reaffirming commitment. By following these guidelines, you can help the LI spouse remain committed to the discernment process and the potential for marital healing.