First Session LO Motivation for Path 3 Based on LI Ability to Change

DC 2025 First Session LO Motivation for Path 3 Based on LI Ability to Change

The presentation “my spouse can’t change” is a common and powerful reason why the leaning out (LO) spouse may consider divorce. This lesson provides guidance on how to handle this presentation in the first session of discernment counseling, focusing on empathy, challenging certainties, and exploring personal contributions.

Key Points:

Understanding the Presentation:

The LO spouse believes their partner cannot change, leading to feelings of pessimism or hopelessness about the marriage.
This belief often stems from past attempts at change that failed or brief periods of change that did not last.

Empathy and Validation:

Show empathy for the LO spouse's feelings of pessimism or hopelessness.
Avoid empathizing directly with the opinion that the spouse cannot change, as this is a judgment rather than a feeling.

Introducing the Paths:

Discuss the three paths of discernment counseling, emphasizing that Path Three offers an experimental chance to see if change is possible.
Example: "Path Three is an opportunity to see if both of you can change through six months of therapy."

Challenging Certainties:

Gently challenge the LO spouse's certainty that their partner cannot change.
Example: "I've been doing this work for a long time, and I don't know whether somebody can change or not until we get into therapy. I'm just getting to know both of you."

Exploring Past Therapy:

Inquire about the LO spouse's past experiences with therapy, focusing on whether they received an adequate dosage of couples therapy.
Example: "There's a good chance that they did not have really good couples therapy or it was a long time ago, or it was good around a certain issue but didn't address other problems."

Motivation and Crisis:

Discuss how the crisis of a possible divorce can serve as a wake-up call, motivating the partner to change.
Example: "Sometimes, in the crisis of a possible divorce, there's a wake-up call that somebody who has been sitting back goes, 'Oh, maybe I need to step up here because this is not business as usual.'"

Exploring Personal Contributions:

Ask the LO spouse about their own contributions to the problems in the marriage.
Example: "Can you change? What are your contributions to the issues in your marriage?"
Take their responses seriously and use them to explore the possibility of mutual change.

Encouraging Reflection:

Encourage the LO spouse to reflect on the possibility of both partners changing together in therapy.
Example: "How does it sound to you to reflect on the possibility that both of you can change together in therapy?"

Low-Key Challenge:

Challenge the LO spouse's supreme confidence that their partner cannot change in a low-key, non-confrontational manner.
Example: "I'm going to challenge your complete confidence that your spouse cannot change. Maybe you're right, but let's keep the possibility of change open."

Tips for Effective Intervention:

Empathy: Show genuine empathy for the LO spouse's feelings of pessimism or hopelessness.
Introduce Paths: Discuss the three paths of discernment counseling, emphasizing the experimental nature of Path Three.
Challenge Certainties: Gently challenge the LO spouse's certainty that their partner cannot change.
Explore Past Therapy: Inquire about past therapy experiences and the adequacy of couples therapy received.
Motivation and Crisis: Discuss how the crisis of divorce can motivate change.
Explore Personal Contributions: Ask about the LO spouse's own contributions to the problems and take their responses seriously.
Encourage Reflection: Encourage the LO spouse to reflect on the possibility of mutual change in therapy.
Low-Key Challenge: Challenge the LO spouse's supreme confidence that their partner cannot change in a low-key manner.

Conclusion:

Handling the presentation "my spouse can't change" requires empathy, challenging certainties, and exploring personal contributions. By introducing the paths of discernment counseling, gently challenging the LO spouse's beliefs, and encouraging reflection on the possibility of mutual change, you can effectively manage this common presentation and help the LO spouse consider the potential for change in their marriage.

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