First Session LI Adamant I Have Real Needs Too

DC 2025 First Session LI Adamant I Have Real Needs Too

When the leaning in (LI) spouse has reasonable grievances about the marriage and feels that their needs and contributions are overlooked, it is crucial to address this situation effectively in the first session of discernment counseling. This lesson provides guidance on how to manage the LI spouse’s feelings of being the “bad guy” and ensure they can make the best use of the discernment counseling process.

Key Points:

Understanding the Presentation:

The LI spouse has reasonable grievances about the marriage and is willing to step up and look at their contributions.
The LI spouse feels unfairly blamed and painted as the bad guy, even though they see their partner's contributions to the problems.
The LI spouse is willing to acknowledge their flaws but feels that their partner's issues are also significant.

Acknowledging Valid Complaints:

Acknowledge the likely validity of the LI spouse's complaints without going into great detail.
Example: "I see what you're saying. I'm here to get to know both of you, and I'm sure there's truth in what you're saying."

Focusing on Personal Contributions:

Encourage the LI spouse to focus on their own contributions and avoid coming across as their partner's critic.
Example: "In this process, all you can do right now is focus on your own contributions and not come across as your spouse's critic."

Role of the Counselor:

Emphasize that it is your job, not the LI spouse's, to work with both partners to look at their contributions.
Example: "It's my job here, not your job, because you both hired me to do this. Your spouse is not hiring you to be pointing out their problems."

Addressing Fairness:

Acknowledge the LI spouse's feelings of unfairness and encourage them to temporarily accept this unfairness to save the marriage.
Example: "Yes, it's not fair. During this temporary process, you may have to accept the unfairness of the situation where you're the one coming out with more of your contributions and regrets."

Building Trust:

Encourage the LI spouse to trust the process and your role in working with both partners.
Example: "Trust me that I'm not blind to your spouse's contributions. I'm working with them on theirs, and I would not recommend therapy if it's very unbalanced in terms of a good guy, bad guy."

Direct Communication:

Be direct and intense in your communication, using your relationship with the LI spouse to build trust.
Example: "If you want to save your marriage, you may have to accept the unfairness right now. Trust me that I'm working with both of you to look at your contributions."

Supporting Path Three:

Emphasize that you would not recommend therapy if the process is unbalanced in terms of a good guy, bad guy dynamic.
Example: "I would not take you into therapy if you end this process with you being the bad guy and your spouse as the good guy."

Tips for Effective Intervention:

Acknowledge Valid Complaints: Recognize the LI spouse's valid complaints without going into great detail.
Focus on Personal Contributions: Encourage the LI spouse to focus on their own contributions and avoid criticizing their partner.
Role of the Counselor: Emphasize that it is your job to work with both partners to look at their contributions.
Address Fairness: Acknowledge the LI spouse's feelings of unfairness and encourage them to temporarily accept this unfairness.
Build Trust: Encourage the LI spouse to trust the process and your role in working with both partners.
Direct Communication: Be direct and intense in your communication, using your relationship with the LI spouse to build trust.
Support Path Three: Emphasize that you would not recommend therapy if the process is unbalanced in terms of a good guy, bad guy dynamic.

Conclusion:

Handling the LI spouse's feelings of being the "bad guy" in discernment counseling requires acknowledging valid complaints, focusing on personal contributions, emphasizing the counselor's role, addressing fairness, building trust, using direct communication, and supporting Path Three. By following these guidelines, you can effectively manage the LI spouse's grievances and help them make the best use of the discernment counseling process.

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