Active Affair Session Three

DC 2025 Active Affair Session Three

The third session in discernment counseling, when there is an active affair, is a high-stakes and high-risk situation. The focus is on helping both partners navigate their complex emotions and decisions while ensuring the process remains respectful and constructive.

Key Points for the Leaning-out Partner (Having the Affair):

Empathize with Their Situation:

Acknowledge the leaning-out partner's agony over choosing between the affair and their marriage.
Understand that they may be torn between their feelings for the affair partner and their responsibilities to their spouse and children.

Scenarios and Clarity:

Recognize that by the third session, the leaning-out partner may have clarified their intentions regarding the affair.
Some may be clear about continuing the affair and ending the marriage, while others may still be torn and seeking clarity.

Responsibility and Healthy Choices:

Challenge the leaning-out partner to take responsibility for their choices and avoid running out the clock.
Encourage them to make decisions in a self-responsible and healthy way, even if they choose to continue the affair.

Meaning Making:

Help the leaning-out partner explore the meaning of the affair in their life and how it relates to their broader life situation.
Assist them in understanding their motivations and desires, even if the affair is not seen as a long-term relationship.

Key Points for the Leaning-in Partner (Coping with the Affair):

Integrity and Self-Protection:

Help the leaning-in partner decide what they want to do in a way that maintains their integrity and is self-protective.
Support them in acknowledging their desire to see what could happen with their marriage, even if they feel hurt and betrayed.

Patterns and Contributions:

Begin to help the leaning-in partner examine other aspects of the marriage and their own contributions to the problems.
Encourage them to see the affair as one issue among many, rather than the sole cause of the marriage's difficulties.

Affair Must End for Path Three:

Make it clear that for path three (couples therapy) to be viable, the affair must be completely over.
Support the leaning-in partner in setting boundaries and making decisions that prioritize their well-being and the potential for healing the marriage.

General Considerations:

Building Pressure:

Recognize that by the third session, the pressure is building, and decisions need to be made.
Ensure that both partners understand the implications of their choices and the need for definitive action.

Avoiding Problem-Solving:

Emphasize that discernment counseling is not therapy, and both partners do not need to be open and vulnerable to each other.
Focus on helping each partner make informed decisions without trying to solve problems together.

Ending the Affair:

If the leaning-out partner is willing to end the affair, support them in implementing that decision.
Help them communicate their decision to the affair partner in a definitive and respectful manner.

Conclusion:

The third session with an active affair involves navigating high-stakes decisions and complex emotions. By empathizing with the leaning-out partner's situation, challenging them to take responsibility, and supporting the leaning-in partner's integrity and self-protection, discernment counselors can help both partners make informed decisions about their

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