Active Affairs Session One

DC 2025 Active Affairs Session One

Here is the outline of the approach for the first session of discernment counseling with a couple where one partner (the “leaning out”) is having a known active affair. The session aims to connect with both partners, understand their perspectives, and set a clear path for counseling.

DC Handout - Addressing Active Affairs in Discernment Counseling

Initial Steps and Goals:

Pre-Session Preparation:

Discover the affair during telephone intakes and briefly discuss the approach.
In the first session, start with initial questions similar to regular discernment counseling.

Connecting with the Leaning Out:

Speak to the leaning out first in individual time.
Connect with them in a non-judgmental, compassionate manner, acknowledging their dilemma.
Explain the discernment process: first, decide about the affair, then about the marriage.

Setting the Discernment Counseling Plan:

Propose a plan to help them discern about the affair relationship first.
Emphasize that this process may take more than the usual five sessions.
Prepare them for the possibility of extended sessions depending on their decisions.

Communicating with the Spouse (Leaning In):

Help the leaning out decide what to share with their spouse.
Encourage them to affirm their commitment to the discernment process without immediate apologies or ultimatums.
Support the leaning in to emotionally regulate themselves and avoid quick decisions.

Supporting the Leaning In:

Emotional Support:

Approach the leaning in with compassion, avoiding victimization.
Encourage them to focus on emotional self-regulation and avoid ultimatums.

Reflecting on Relationship Issues:

Guide them to reflect on other problems in the relationship beyond the affair.
Open the door to self-reflection and understanding relationship patterns.

Responsibility and Choice:

Clearly communicate that the affair is 100% the responsibility of the leaning out.
Encourage the leaning in to make choices about how to respond without blaming themselves for the affair.

Overall Strategy:

Form an emotional connection with both partners.
Gain buy-in for the discernment counseling strategy.
Avoid deep drilling in the first session; focus on setting a supportive and strategic foundation for future sessions.

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