Addressing Emotional Abuse in Discernment Counseling

DC 2025 Addressing Emotional Abuse in Discernment Counseling

Addressing emotional abuse in discernment counseling involves navigating the complexities of contemptuous and demeaning behavior within a relationship. The goal is to help both partners understand their contributions to the problems and decide on a path forward.

DC Handout - Addressing Emotional Abuse in Discernment Counseling

Key Points for the Leaning-out Partner:

Scenario and Feelings:

The leaning-out partner often feels demeaned and driven out of the relationship by their spouse's contemptuous behavior.
They may still have feelings for their spouse and concerns about the children, making them ambivalent about leaving.

Avoiding Heavy-Handed Approaches:

Avoid coming down heavily on the leaning-in partner, as this is not productive for either a constructive divorce or entering helpful couples therapy.

Grounding in Specifics:

Get grounded in the specifics of the demeaning behaviors, including examples and circumstances, to understand the context better.

Empathy and Validation:

Provide empathy and validation for the leaning-out partner's feelings of being wounded and treated disrespectfully.
Explore how they have responded to the abuse over the years and their role in the interaction patterns.

Understanding Interaction Patterns:

Help the leaning-out partner see that they have likely contributed to the interaction patterns, even if they are not responsible for the abuse.
Encourage them to understand how they have responded to the abuse and their role in the dynamics.

Key Points for the Leaning-in Partner:

Defensive Stances:

The leaning-in partner may present defensively, dismissing the severity of their behavior or blaming their spouse for the problems.
They may want to save the marriage but struggle with acknowledging their contributions to the issues.

Aligning with Goals:

Ensure that the leaning-in partner's goal is to work on their marriage and get to path three (couples therapy).
Challenge them to understand the impact of their behavior on their spouse, focusing on the effect rather than attacking their character.

Role-Taking and Accountability:

Help the leaning-in partner role-take the effect of their behavior on their spouse, understanding how it feels to be treated contemptuously.
Encourage them to take accountability for their actions without making elaborate apologies.

Exploring Underlying Issues:

Over time, explore the underlying sources of the leaning-in partner's behavior, such as past experiences or patterns.
Help them understand that their behavior is hurtful and could drive their spouse out of the marriage.

Interaction Patterns:

Encourage the leaning-in partner to see that if they stay in a nasty relationship, they likely have a role in perpetuating it.
Help them understand how they have responded to the abuse and their contributions to the interaction patterns.

General Considerations:

Delicate Dance:

Navigate the delicate balance of holding the leaning-in partner accountable without blaming the leaning-out partner.
Support the leaning-out partner in insisting on change while understanding their role in the dynamics.

Path Forward:

Make it clear that for path three to be viable, the leaning-in partner must address their abusive behavior and be committed to change.
Encourage both partners to see that couples therapy would involve working on all issues, not just the abuse.

Potential for Change:

Recognize that couples with underlying care for each other can benefit significantly from discernment counseling, even if the leaning-out partner is initially far gone.
Emphasize the need for a fundamental shift in how they relate to each other.

Conclusion:

Addressing emotional abuse in discernment counseling involves a delicate dance of empathy, validation, and accountability. By helping both partners understand their contributions to the problems and the impact of their behavior, discernment counselors can support them in making informed decisions about their relationship's future. The goal is to foster a fundamental shift in their dynamics, paving the way for potential healing and growth.

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