Objective:
To provide an observational summary of a phone screen session for discernment counseling, highlighting key interactions and insights from the discernment counselor’s approach.
Key Points:
Initial Introduction and Background Check:
- The counselor begins by getting acquainted with the couple via each separate conversation, confirming their understanding of discernment counseling, and ensuring it is a good fit.
- Basic information is gathered, including the duration of the marriage (21 years) and the ages of their four children.
Leaning Out Partner (Celine):
- Background Story: Celine shares a detailed history of their counseling journey, including significant life events such as their daughter's health issues and the challenges of moving and adjusting to new environments.
- Current Issues: Celine identifies invalidation and a mismatch in love languages as major problems in their marriage. She feels constantly invalidated and believes John's love is not received in the way she needs.
- Therapy History: Celine has had extensive individual and couple therapy, including a long-term therapy with Carrie Lynn, which ended abruptly when John walked out.
- Current Status: Celine feels they have been functioning as an "empty shell marriage" for the past 18 months and is considering divorce. She is the leaning-out partner, unsure about continuing the relationship.
Leaning In Partner (John):
- Understanding of Discernment Counseling: John sees discernment counseling as a precise and clear method to address outstanding issues in their marriage, cutting through the "white noise" they have been experiencing.
- Current Issues: John acknowledges frequent arguments and conflicts, stemming from deeper issues such as feeling unlistened to and unsupported. He recognizes his own contributions to the problems, including not feeding the relationship sufficiently over the past few years.
- Therapy History: John has also had extensive therapy, including individual sessions and couple therapy with Celine. He acknowledges the emotional cost of their past experiences and the need to address these issues.
- Current Status: John is the leaning-in partner, still motivated to make the relationship work, particularly for the benefit of their children. He is accepting of Celine's position but struggles with the wisdom of it.
Discernment Counselor's Approach:
- Clarity and Structure: The discernment counselor clearly explains the goals and structure of discernment counseling, emphasizing clarity and confidence about the direction of their relationship based on a deeper understanding of the problems.
- Safety Questions: The discernment counselor asks safety questions to ensure there is no risk of physical harm, confirming that while there have been instances of physical altercations, they are not currently at high risk.
- Alignment and Next Steps: The discernment counselor confirms alignment with both partners and schedules the first session, ensuring clear communication about the time and logistics.
Outcomes:
- Both partners gain a clear understanding of discernment counseling and its potential benefits for their situation.
- The counselor establishes a safe and non-judgmental environment, fostering open communication and honesty.
- The session highlights the importance of recognizing and addressing emotional disconnects, fostering a more empathetic and constructive dialogue between partners.
Follow-Up:
- The couple is scheduled for the first discernment counseling session, with clear instructions and expectations.
- The discernment counselor will continue to guide the couple towards a more empathetic and understanding relationship, addressing the underlying issues that contribute to their challenges.