First Session Question 1: The Divorce Narrative

DC 2025 First Session Question 1: The Divorce Narrative

The first question in discernment counseling is crucial for setting the stage and understanding the couple’s perspective on their marital issues. This lesson explains the rationale behind the question “What’s happened to your marriage that got you to the point where divorce is a possibility?” and provides guidelines for effectively using this question in your sessions.

The Question:

“What’s happened to your marriage that got you to the point where divorce is a possibility?”

Rationale:

Assumption of Shared Problem:

The question assumes that the marriage has encountered significant issues, leading to the consideration of divorce.
It implies that neither partner wanted to be in this situation, similar to asking about an injury: "What happened to your leg?"

Naming Divorce:

The question directly addresses the possibility of divorce, acknowledging it as a real consideration.
This approach avoids euphemisms and encourages open discussion about the most critical issues.

Encouraging Concise Responses:

The question prompts partners to focus on the major problems rather than listing every minor issue.
Most couples can provide a concise overview of the key problems, which is essential for time management in a two-hour session.Each partner is invited to answer the question individually, allowing their unique perspectives to surface. This approach helps you gauge whether the positions (leaning in or leaning out) have shifted since earlier contacts.

Guidelines for Using the Question:

Initial Presentation:

After the initial banter and clarifying goals, ask the question verbatim to the first partner.
"What's happened to your marriage that got you to the point where divorce is a possibility?"

Listening and Note-Taking:

Listen actively without paraphrasing or asking follow-up questions.
Take notes on key points, critical incidents, and any discrepancies from the phone screen information.
Only ask clarifying questions if necessary (e.g., "Which child was that?").

Avoiding Interruptions:

Do not interrupt or encourage the partner to elaborate unless absolutely necessary.
Allow each partner to speak without interruption from the other.

Repeating the Question:

After the first partner has spoken, thank them and ask the same question to the second partner.
Example: "Thank you. I'd like to ask you the same question. What's happened to your marriage that got you to the point where divorce is a possibility?"

Listening for Complexity:

Pay attention to the complexity of the issues raised, critical incidents, and any information that was mentioned during the phone screen but not brought up in the session.
Example: "Thank you. I'd like to ask you the same question. What's happened to your marriage that got you to the point where divorce is a possibility?"

Avoiding Cross-Talk:

After the first partner has spoken, thank them and ask the same question to the second partner.
Example: "Thank you. I'd like to ask you the same question. What's happened to your marriage that got you to the point where divorce is a possibility?"

Tips for Effective Use:

Consistency: Read the question word for word until you have it memorized to ensure consistency.
Avoid Leading Questions: Stick to the scripted question to prevent partners from listing minor problems or avoiding the core issues.
Time Management: Use the responses to guide the rest of the session, focusing on the most critical issues.

Conclusion:

The question "What's happened to your marriage that got you to the point where divorce is a possibility?" is a powerful tool for understanding the couple's perspective on their marital issues. By following the guidelines and tips provided in this handout, you can effectively use this question to set the stage for productive discernment counseling sessions. This approach ensures that both partners have the opportunity to express their views and that the session remains focused on the most critical issues.

Previous Lesson

Back to Course

Next Lesson