First Session Question 3: The Children Question

DC 2025 First Session Question 3: The Children Question

The third question in the first session of discernment counseling is designed to explore the role of children in the couple’s decision-making process regarding the future of their marriage. This handout explains the rationale behind the question “What role, if any, do your children play in your decision-making about the future of your marriage?” and provides guidelines for effectively using this question in your sessions.

The Question:

“What role, if any, do your children play in your decision-making about the future of your marriage?”

Rationale:

Assumption of Children's Influence:

The question assumes that the welfare of their children is a consideration for almost all couples, even if the children are adults.
It acknowledges that children can play a significant role in the couple's decision-making process, regardless of their age.

Permission to Share Various Perspectives:

The question allows partners to discuss the extent to which their children influence their decisions about staying married or separating.
It provides an opportunity for each partner to express their views on the impact of their children on the marital decision-making process.

Focus on the Couple's Decision-Making:

The question is carefully crafted to focus on the couple's decision-making process, emphasizing that the session is about their relationship and the role their children play in it.
It avoids overplaying the impact of divorce on children, allowing partners to share their genuine concerns and perspectives.

Guidelines for Using the Question:

Initial Presentation:

After the second question, ask the children's question verbatim to the couple.
"What role, if any, do your children play in your decision-making about the future of your marriage?" Repeat it again slowly before looking for either to answer.

Allowing Each Partner to Respond:

Ask who would like to go first and allow the first partner to respond without interruption.
After the first partner has spoken, ask the same question to the second partner, using the exact same words.

Avoiding Leading Questions:

Do not ask leading questions or respond to the partner's answers.
Allow each partner to share their perspective without influencing their responses.

Filing Information for Later Use:

Take notes on the couple's responses, focusing on key points and any discrepancies between their views.
Use the information gathered to inform individual conversations and future sessions.

Tips for Effective Use:

Consistency: Ask the question verbatim to ensure consistency and avoid leading the couple's responses.
Non-Judgmental Listening: Listen without judgment, allowing the couple to share their experiences openly.
Avoid Freelancing: Stick to the scripted question to prevent partners from getting caught up in arguments or defensive responses.
Time Management: Keep the discussion concise, focusing on key points and avoiding in-depth conversations at this stage.

Example of Ineffective Questioning:

Avoid: "How do you think a divorce would affect your children?"
This question can lead to arguments and defensive responses, as partners may disagree on the impact of divorce on their children.
It does not provide the same level of insight into the couple's decision-making process as the scripted question.

Conclusion:

Working with challenging leaning-in scenarios involves affirming their feelings and ethical stances while shifting their focus to their larger goal of preserving the marriage. By validating their experiences and challenging their perspectives pragmatically, therapists can support leaning in partners in becoming more effective champions for their marriage, fostering a more productive discernment process.

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