First Session Question 4: The Best of Times

DC 2025 First Session Question 4: The Best of Times

The fourth question in the first session of discernment counseling is designed to explore the positive aspects of the couple’s relationship. This lesson explains the rationale behind the question “What was the best time in your relationship since the time you met, when you felt the most connection and joy in your relationship?” and provides guidelines for effectively using this question in your sessions.

The Question:

“I’d like to ask you what we call the best of times question. What was the best time in your relationship since the time you met, when you felt the most connection and joy in your relationship?”

Rationale:

Focus on Positives:

The question aims to pull out the positives in the relationship, acknowledging that every couple has had good times that drew them together.
It shifts the focus from problems to the moments of connection and joy, providing a balanced view of the relationship.

Inclusive Timeframe:

The phrase "since the time you met" ensures that the question is inclusive of all positive experiences, not just those within the marriage.
This approach acknowledges that couples may have had significant positive experiences before marriage that are relevant to their current relationship.

Individual and Collective Versions:

The question allows each partner to share their individual perspectives on the best times in the relationship.
It also encourages a collective reminiscence, fostering a sense of shared history and connection.

Guidelines for Using the Question:

Initial Presentation:

After the third question, ask the best of times question verbatim to the couple.
“I’d like to ask you what we call the best of times question. What was the best time in your relationship since the time you met, when you felt the most connection and joy in your relationship?" Repeat the question a second time.

Allowing Each Partner to Respond:

Ask who would like to go first and allow the first partner to respond without interruption.
After the first partner has spoken, ask the same question to the second partner, using the exact same words.

Non-Verbal Engagement:

Show warmth and engagement through non-verbal cues, such as smiling or nodding, to encourage a positive atmosphere.
Be attentive to the other partner's reactions, as they may also feel warmth and connection.

Coaching for Focus:

If a partner's response is not focused on the relationship (e.g., "That time when we built a house together"), ask follow-up questions to refocus on the connection between them.
Example: "What was it about how the two of you were connected around the house?"

Avoiding Distraction:

Do not get seduced by the positive responses and lose focus on the discernment process.
Use the information gathered to inform individual conversations and future sessions, but do not dwell on it excessively in the current session.

Tips for Effective Use:

Consistency: Ask the question verbatim to ensure consistency and avoid leading the couple's responses.
Non-Judgmental Listening: Listen without judgment, allowing the couple to share their experiences openly.
Time Management: Keep the discussion concise, focusing on key points and avoiding in-depth conversations at this stage.
Follow-Up Questions: Use follow-up questions to refocus the conversation on the connection between the partners if necessary.

Example of Ineffective Engagement:

Avoid: Getting carried away by the positive responses and losing sight of the discernment process.
Example: A counselor who becomes so engrossed in the couple's reminiscence of joyful times that they miss the opportunity to explore the core issues and make a decision about the future of the relationship.

Conclusion:

The question "What was the best time in your relationship since the time you met, when you felt the most connection and joy in your relationship?" is crucial for understanding the positive aspects of the couple's relationship. By following the guidelines and tips provided, you can effectively use this question to gather valuable information and set the stage for productive discernment counseling sessions. This approach ensures that both partners have the opportunity to share their positive experiences and that the session remains focused on the most critical issues.

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