Session One Skill 2 LO Challenging the My Spouse Cannot Change Narrative

Challenging the leaning-out partner’s narrative that their spouse cannot change is a cornerstone skill in discernment counseling. This involves helping the leaning-out partner see their role in the relationship dynamics and the potential for change through couples therapy. By using a systemic analysis, discernment counselors can shift the leaning-out partner’s perspective from being a passive recipient of their spouse’s actions to an active participant in the relationship.

Key Points:

Avoiding Sympathy and Empathy:

  • Avoid simply sympathizing with the leaning-out partner's stories of their spouse's past mistakes and insensitivity.
  • Instead, use these stories as opportunities to analyze the systemic dynamics of the relationship.

Systemic Analysis:

  • Conduct a systemic analysis of specific events, highlighting the roles both partners play in the dynamics.
  • Help the leaning-out partner see how their actions and reactions contribute to the relationship patterns, rather than just being a recipient of their spouse's behavior.

Normalizing Couple Struggles:

  • Normalize the struggles couples face in making significant changes, especially when only one partner is trying to make unilateral changes.
  • Acknowledge that most couples struggle with major transitions and find it difficult to break out of established patterns without both partners being aligned.

Exploring Alternatives:

  • Open up alternative ways for the leaning-out partner to think about the relationship, challenging their divorce narrative that their spouse cannot change.
  • Suggest that with good couples therapy, both partners might be able to align and make changes together.

Avoiding Exaggerated Ideas:

  • Recognize that leaning-out partners, who have had a lot of therapy, may have exaggerated ideas about what normal couples can do.
  • Help them understand that their struggles are not unique and that many couples face similar challenges.

Encouraging Alignment:

  • Emphasize the importance of both partners being aligned in their efforts to change the relationship dynamics.
  • Encourage the leaning-out partner to consider the potential for alignment and mutual growth through couples therapy.

Conclusion:

Challenging the leaning-out partner's narrative involves avoiding sympathy, conducting a systemic analysis, normalizing couple struggles, exploring alternatives, avoiding exaggerated ideas, and encouraging alignment. By helping the leaning-out partner see their role in the relationship dynamics and the potential for change, discernment counselors can support them in opening up new perspectives on their marriage and the possibility of growth through couples therapy.