Why No Leaning In Means There Is No Discernment Counseling

DC 2025 Why No Leaning In Means There Is No Discernment Counseling

This lesson emphasizes the necessity of having a leaning-in partner in discernment counseling. Without a leaning-in partner, the discernment counseling protocol is likely to break down, as it requires a champion for the marriage to drive the process forward.

Key Points:

Mixed Agenda Couples:

Discernment counseling is designed for mixed agenda couples, where one partner is leaning-out and ambivalent about therapy, and the other is leaning-in and wants to pursue therapy.
The presence of a leaning-in partner is crucial for the protocol to be effective.

Why a Leaning In Partner is Necessary:

Champion for the Marriage: The leaning-in partner serves as a champion for the marriage, injecting energy and commitment into the process.
Clarity for the Leaning-Out: The leaning-out partner needs to see that the other partner is committed to trying to reconcile, which influences their discernment process.
Ethical Commitment: A lifetime commitment requires someone to care about maintaining it, and the leaning-in partner provides that commitment.

Consequences of Not Having a Leaning-In Partner

Lack of Energy: Without a leaning-in partner, the therapist cannot be the only one championing the marriage, as they are not present in the couple's daily life.
Transactional Relationship: If neither partner is committed to the effort, the relationship can feel transactional, like a business contract, rather than a lifelong commitment.
Protocol Breakdown: The discernment counseling protocol is less likely to work if there is no leaning-in partner, as the leaning-out partner may not see enough reason to try.

Phone Screen Intervention:

During the phone screen, therapists should assess whether there is a clear leaning-in partner.
If the leaning-in partner is ambivalent, therapists should explain the importance of having a champion for the marriage and the likelihood of divorce if neither partner is committed to trying.
This conversation can serve as a crisis intervention, helping the ambivalent partner realize the importance of their role in the discernment process.

Operational Commitment to Path Three:

The leaning-in partner should be operationally committed to path three (couples therapy), signaling their willingness to try and work on the marriage.
This commitment does not mean they are sure about the marriage's future but indicates their willingness to engage in the therapeutic process.

Conclusion:

The presence of a leaning-in partner is essential for the success of discernment counseling. This partner serves as a champion for the marriage, providing the energy and commitment needed to drive the process forward. Therapists should assess for a leaning in partner during the phone screen and intervene if necessary to clarify the importance of this role in the discernment process.

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