Exploring LO Attitude of Divorce as Relief

DC 2025 Exploring LO Attitude of Divorce as Relief

When the leaning out (LO) spouse presents divorce as relief, it is crucial to handle this attitude with empathy, understanding, and a strategic approach. This handout provides guidance on how to manage this presentation in the first session of discernment counseling.

Key Points:

Understanding the Presentation:

The LO spouse, often the wife, feels overwhelmed by responsibilities and sees divorce as a way to reduce stress and find relief.
Common complaints include lack of help, constant arguments, criticism, and feeling overburdened.

Empathy and Validation:

Show genuine empathy for the LO spouse's feelings of being overwhelmed and their desire for relief.
Validate their experience without dismissing their feelings.

Adding Complexity:

Gently introduce the idea that divorce is not a straightforward path to relief.
Example: "Divorce is a pretty rocky road, at best. You may feel relief in some ways, but you may also feel burdened in other ways, at least short-term."

Exploring Short-Term Stress:

Help the LO spouse understand that there will be stress regardless of the path they choose (staying, divorcing, or therapy).
Example: "Whether you stay, get a divorce, or go through therapy, there will be a lot of stress and work involved."

Probing Reluctance:

Ask about the LO spouse's reluctance to get a divorce, even if they have made a strong case for feeling overwhelmed.
Example: "You've made a strong case for feeling under tremendous pressure. A divorce would be a relief. So, why are you still discerning?"

Exploring Concerns and Values:

Delve into the LO spouse's worries and concerns about the impact of divorce on children, economics, values, and commitment.
Example: "What are your concerns about how divorce will affect your kids? What about the economic impact?"

Building on Concerns:

Use the LO spouse's concerns to build a more complex understanding of the situation.
Example: "It sounds like you're aware of the complications involved. Let's explore those further."

Poking Holes in the Fantasy:

Gently challenge the idea that divorce will bring unmitigated relief.
Example: "Let's consider the short-term stress and complexities that come with divorce."

Exploring Boundaries and Interaction Patterns:

If progress is being made, explore the LO spouse's boundaries and interaction patterns that have led to feeling overburdened.
Example: "What kinds of boundaries have you set when you feel imposed upon? What interaction patterns have contributed to your feeling overburdened?"

Opening Doors to Personal Contributions:

Encourage the LO spouse to consider their own part in the patterns of over and under responsibility.
Example: "Let's look at how your own actions and boundaries may have contributed to the current situation."

Tips for Effective Intervention:

Empathy: Show genuine empathy and validation for the LO spouse's feelings of being overwhelmed and their desire for relief.
Add Complexity: Gently introduce the idea that divorce is not a straightforward path to relief.
Explore Short-Term Stress: Help the LO spouse understand the stress involved in any path they choose.
Probe Reluctance: Ask about the LO spouse's reluctance to get a divorce, even if they have made a strong case for feeling overwhelmed.
Explore Concerns and Values: Delve into the LO spouse's worries and concerns about the impact of divorce on various aspects of their life.
Build on Concerns: Use the LO spouse's concerns to build a more complex understanding of the situation.
Poke Holes in the Fantasy: Gently challenge the idea that divorce will bring unmitigated relief.
Explore Boundaries and Interaction Patterns: Investigate the LO spouse's boundaries and interaction patterns that have led to feeling overburdened.
Open Doors to Personal Contributions: Encourage the LO spouse to consider their own part in the patterns of over and under responsibility.

Conclusion:

Handling the situation where the LO spouse views divorce as relief requires empathy, validation, and a strategic approach. By adding complexity, exploring short-term stress, probing reluctance, delving into concerns and values, building on concerns, poking holes in the fantasy, exploring boundaries and interaction patterns, and opening doors to personal contributions, you can effectively manage this presentation and help the LO spouse consider the complexities of their situation.

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