First Session LO is Clear About Divorce

DC 2025 First Session LO is Clear About Divorce

In discernment counseling, it is rare but possible that the leaning out (LO) spouse comes to the first session with a clear decision to divorce and aims to bring their spouse along. This handout provides guidance on how to handle this situation, ensuring that you are prepared and can manage the session ethically and effectively.

Key Steps and Considerations:

Initial Assessment:

When the LO spouse states they are there to bring their partner along with the divorce, clarify their position.
Example: "Let me see if I'm clear that you're in a different place than you were when we talked on the phone. You were saying you were still open to looking at the possibilities for the marriage. Are you in a different place now?"

Exploring Hopelessness:

If the LO spouse expresses hopelessness, explore whether they have made a final decision.
Example: "Have you made a really final decision?"

Individual Conversation:

If the LO spouse is firm about their decision, request a private conversation to understand what has changed since the phone screening.
Example: "I'd like to talk with you by yourself for a bit."

Identifying Critical Incidents:

If the LO spouse is firm about their decision, request a private conversation to understand what has changed since the phone screening.
Example: "I'd like to talk with you by yourself for a bit."

Exploring the Decision:

Discuss whether their decision is based on a particular event that may not be determinative of a lifetime decision.
Example: "Are you making a final, irrevocable decision based on a particular event that may, in the big scope of things, perhaps not ought to be determinative of a lifetime decision?"

Bringing the Spouse Back In:

If the LO spouse is open to reconsidering, bring the leaning in (LI) spouse back into the conversation.
Example: "Let's bring your spouse back in and discuss this together."

Clarifying the Situation:

If the LO spouse is firm about their decision, clarify that discernment counseling is not appropriate in this case.
Example: "This is not the right setting for discernment counseling because there's no discerning going on."

Supporting the LI Spouse:

Have a private conversation with the LI spouse to offer support and understand their position.
Example: "I'd like to talk to you by yourself to see where you are and offer some support."

Ethical Considerations:

Avoid putting the LI spouse in a vulnerable situation where they have to advocate for the marriage when the LO spouse is already decided.
It's not fair to expect the LI spouse to be vulnerable when the LO spouse is close to the door.

Conclusion of the Session:

If discernment counseling is not appropriate, conclude the session ethically and supportively.
Example: "I'm sorry, but we don't have the right ingredients for discernment counseling. Let's make our goodbyes."

Tips for Effective Intervention:

Empathy: Show genuine empathy and validation for the LO spouse's feelings and decisions.
Active Listening: Listen actively to understand the LO spouse's perspective and any critical incidents that may have influenced their decision.
Clarity: Clearly communicate the requirements for discernment counseling and the importance of having a leaning in partner.
Support: Offer support to the LI spouse, even if discernment counseling is not appropriate in this case.
Ethical Considerations: Ensure that you handle the session ethically, avoiding situations where one spouse is put in a vulnerable position.

Conclusion:

Handling a situation where the LO spouse is clear about divorce requires empathy, active listening, and ethical considerations. By following the guidelines and tips provided in this lesson, you can manage the session effectively, ensuring that both spouses feel heard and supported, even if discernment counseling is not appropriate in this case.

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