First Session When Leaning In Is More Leaning Out

DC 2025 First Session When Leaning In Is More Leaning Out

In discernment counseling, it is essential to have at least one partner who is leaning in (LI) and advocating for the relationship. This handout provides guidance on how to handle the situation when the initially identified LI partner appears more leaning out during the first session. This would be a crisis for the work of DC and you’d almost always start with this ambivalent leaning in after the core together time.

Key Steps and Considerations:

Identifying the Crisis:

Recognize when the LI partner does not appear as committed during the joint session.
Do not challenge them about this during the joint session. Instead, file away the observation and proceed with the session.

Initial Assessment:

Ask the LI partner what they hope to get out of the session.
Observe signs of low energy and hopelessness from the LI partner.

Individual Session with the LI Partner:

Start the individual session by asking how they are feeling.
Empathize with their feelings of hopelessness, then return to the conversation from the phone screen.
Example: "I want to see if you see yourself in a different place than when we talked on the phone. You were indicating that you were leaning in and wanted this to work. Has something happened since then?"

Crisis Management:

Identify any critical incidents or recent events that may have caused the LI partner to become ambivalent.
Example: A big fight, texting with a romantic partner, or other significant events.

Realigning the LI Partner:

Focus on the paths of discernment counseling, particularly Path Three (therapy).
Address their ambivalence about Path Three and make it clear that further discernment counseling requires a leaning in partner.
Underline the critical moment: if the LI partner does not step up, the likely scenario is divorce.

Coaching for the Summary:

Coach the LI partner to be open about their demoralization and their realization that they still love their partner and want to work on the relationship.
Encourage them to express their desire to work in therapy during the summary to their partner.

Importance of a Leaning In Partner:

Effective discernment counseling requires at least one partner who is advocating for the relationship.
If both partners are demoralized and leaning out, discernment counseling cannot be conducted effectively.

Tips for Effective Intervention:

Empathy: Show genuine empathy and validation for the LI partner's feelings of hopelessness and ambivalence.
Active Listening: Listen actively to identify any critical incidents or recent events that may have caused their ambivalence.
Focus on Paths: Clearly explain the paths of discernment counseling and the importance of having a leaning in partner.
Coaching: Provide coaching and support to help the LI partner realign and advocate for the relationship.
Time Management: Ensure that the intervention is concise and focused, addressing the LI partner's ambivalence without prolonging the session unnecessarily.

Conclusion:

When the initially identified leaning in partner appears more leaning out during the first session, it is crucial to address this crisis through empathy, crisis management, and realignment. By following the guidelines and tips provided here, you can help the LI partner step up and engage more effectively in the discernment process, ensuring that both partners feel heard and supported.

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