LI Owns No Contributions

DC 2025 LI Owns No Contributions

In this lesson, Elizabeth Doherty Thomas and Bill Doherty delve into a challenging scenario in discernment counseling where the leaning out spouse has significant issues (e.g., affairs, abuse, alcohol problems) and is considering leaving the marriage. The leaning in spouse, while acknowledging the need for change, struggles with intense anger and a sense of perfection, wanting to save the marriage but also judging the leaning out spouse harshly.

Key Points:

The Complex Dynamics:

The leaning-out spouse may feel neglected, difficult, and worn down, leading them to consider leaving.
The leaning-in spouse is angry about the leaning-out spouse's behavior but wants to preserve the marriage, often feeling like the "good" spouse.

Challenges for the Counselor:

The counselor must navigate the leaning in spouse's judgmental stance while helping them see their own contributions to the marital issues.
Aligning with the leaning in spouse's goal of saving the marriage is crucial for gaining their trust and cooperation.

Techniques for Effective Discernment Counseling:

Validate and Agree: Agree with the leaning-in spouse's assessment of the leaning-out spouse's behavior to build rapport and show understanding.
Identify Dysfunctional Patterns: Help the leaning-in spouse recognize the dysfunctional dances and patterns they have contributed to, such as over-monitoring, criticizing, or slipping into a parent-adolescent dynamic.
Normalize Marital Challenges: Use personal anecdotes and general statements about marriage to normalize the struggles and make it harder for the leaning in spouse to maintain a perfect self-image.
Highlight the Need for Personal Growth: Emphasize that personal growth is necessary for successful couples therapy and a healthy marriage, regardless of the outcome.

Handling Resistance:

If the leaning-in spouse struggles to see their contributions, gently push them to consider the possibility and the importance of looking in the mirror.
Use the urgency of the situation to motivate the leaning in spouse to engage more deeply in the process.
Gracefully accept when the leaning-in spouse is unable or unwilling to acknowledge their contributions, but continue to provide data and insights to work with.

Conclusion:

This lesson highlights the complexities of working with a leaning-in spouse who feels perfect but struggles with anger and judgment. By validating their experiences, identifying dysfunctional patterns, and emphasizing the need for personal growth, discernment counselors can help the leaning-in spouse see their own contributions and engage more effectively in the discernment process. The goal is to create a productive dialogue that fosters deeper understanding and potential for change, whether the couple chooses to stay together or separate.

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