Undermining individual therapists promoting divorce is a common issue in discernment counseling. This handout provides strategies to uncover and address this problem without criticizing the therapist, ensuring that the path to working on the marriage (path three) remains open.
Uncovering Undermining Behavior:
- Ask Direct Questions: Inquire about the focus of individual therapy sessions, particularly if the marriage comes up. Ask if the client has a sense of the therapist's stance on working on the marriage versus divorcing.
- Sample Question: "Does your therapist support you in trying discernment counseling and working on the marriage?"
- Inquire About Specific Comments: If the client mentions anything other than support for discernment counseling, ask for specific words or phrases the therapist uses.
- Sample Question: "What exactly does your therapist say about your marriage and the possibility of working on it?"
Responding to Undermining Behavior:
- Avoid Criticizing the Therapist: Do not criticize the therapist directly. Instead, provide context and understanding.
- Sample Line: "It's common in individual therapy to focus on how the client can protect themselves emotionally and maintain equilibrium. The therapist is an advocate for their client and only hears one side of the relationship."
- Explain Your Role: Clarify your role as a discernment counselor and your responsibility to keep path three open.
- Sample Line: "I do some individual therapy as well. I've been in that position. It comes with the territory when you’re seeing one person in the marriage. Here, you're seeing me for discernment counseling, and I have access to both of you. Part of my job is to keep the path three option open until people decide that's not what they want to do."
- Encourage Independent Discernment: Help the client understand that they are receiving input from two different sources and encourage them to make their own discernment.
- Sample Line: "You're kind of pulled between two therapists, and it can be a tough situation. I just wanted to put words on it and encourage you to make your own discernment about the input you're getting from your two counselors."
Addressing Resistance to Path Three
- Recognize the Influence: If the client feels their therapist agrees that divorce is the right thing, acknowledge that the path to path three may be challenging.
- Sample Line: "If you feel your therapist agrees that divorce is the right thing, then the path to working on the marriage may not be likely. I understand that this can be a difficult situation."
- Encourage a Break from Individual Therapy: If the client is looking for permission to leave or take a break from their individual therapist, encourage them to consider this option.
- Sample Line: "Sometimes clients need to take a break from talking to two therapists about their marriage. Consider taking a break from your individual therapist while you're in discernment counseling."
Communication with Individual Therapists
- Avoid Direct Contact: Generally, do not contact the individual therapist, as it can create tension and may not change their stance.
- Exception: If a close colleague has made a referral to discernment counseling, you may talk with them.
Conclusion:
Undermining individual therapists promoting divorce is a common issue in discernment counseling. By asking direct questions, avoiding criticism, explaining your role, and encouraging independent discernment, you can help clients navigate this challenging situation and keep the path to working on the marriage open.
For research on this topic, visit this article; https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/famp.12774