When LI Accepts All the Responsibility — What to Do With LO

DC 2025 When LI Accepts All the Responsibility — What to Do With LO

When the leaning in (LI) spouse accepts all the responsibility for the problems in the marriage, it can create a unique challenge in discernment counseling. This lesson provides guidance on how to handle this situation, ensuring that both spouses take responsibility for their contributions to the marital issues.

Key Points:

Understanding the Presentation:

The LI spouse takes full responsibility for the marital problems, often stating, "I've been a jerk" or "It's really been my fault."
The leaning out (LO) spouse may be pleased but skeptical about the LI spouse's ability to change.
The LO spouse's contributions to the problems may be invisible or minimized, as the LI spouse avoids saying anything negative about their partner.

Gathering Data:

Ensure you hear from the LI spouse about their complaints and what is hard for them in the marriage.
Encourage the LI spouse to express complaints about their partner to better understand the interaction patterns and each spouse's contributions.

Addressing Imbalance:

Make it clear that a healthy marriage requires both spouses to acknowledge their contributions to the problems.
Example: "If your marriage is going to be healthy again, you're going to have to do more than say it's all your fault. It's never just one person's fault."

Encouraging Self-Reflection:

Encourage the LO spouse to reflect on their own contributions to the problems.
Example: "What are your contributions to the issues in your marriage? How have you been difficult in certain ways?"

Avoiding Resentment:

Warn the LI spouse about the potential for resentment if they continue to take all the blame.
Example: "I worry that you can only sustain 'it's me and I will do the changing' for so long until your resentments come out. Neither of you is an angel here."

Challenging the LO Spouse:

Challenge the LO spouse's focus on whether the other person can change.
Encourage the LO spouse to work on their own contributions to the problems.
Example: "Let's focus on what you can work on to improve the marriage, rather than just waiting for your partner to change."

Avoiding Traps:

Do not fall into the trap of celebrating the LI spouse's openness without acknowledging the need for more work.
Avoid letting the LI spouse accept the LO spouse as perfect without recognizing their own contributions.

Opening Doors for Further Work:

Use the first session to open doors for further exploration of each spouse's contributions and interaction patterns.
Example: "Let's explore how your interaction patterns have contributed to the problems in your marriage."

Opening Doors for Further Work:

Gather Data: Ensure you hear from both spouses about their complaints and what is hard for them in the marriage.
Address Imbalance: Make it clear that a healthy marriage requires both spouses to acknowledge their contributions.
Encourage Self-Reflection: Encourage both spouses to reflect on their own contributions to the problems.
Avoid Resentment: Warn the LI spouse about the potential for resentment if they continue to take all the blame.
Challenge the LO Spouse: Challenge the LO spouse's focus on whether the other person can change and encourage them to work on their own contributions.
Avoid Traps: Do not celebrate the LI spouse's openness without acknowledging the need for more work, and do not let the LI spouse accept the LO spouse as perfect.
Open Doors: Use the first session to open doors for further exploration of each spouse's contributions and interaction patterns.

Conclusion:

Handling the situation where the LI spouse accepts all the responsibility requires gathering data, addressing imbalance, encouraging self-reflection, avoiding resentment, challenging the LI spouse, avoiding traps, and opening doors for further work. By following these guidelines, you can effectively manage this challenge and help both spouses take responsibility for their contributions to the marital issues.

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