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Discussing the Effects of Divorce on Children in Discernment Counseling

DC 2025 Discussing the Effects of Divorce on Children in Discernment Counseling

Key Points:

Evolution of Counseling Practices:

Traditional training advised counselors to avoid discussing the effects of divorce on children, suggesting that happy parents lead to happy kids.
Contemporary research provides more nuanced insights into the impacts of divorce on children, necessitating a more informed approach.

Building Connections with the Leaning Out Spouse:

In the first session, use the children's question to gauge the leaning out (LO) spouse's concerns about their children.
Affirm the LO spouse's intuition if they express worries about the children, acknowledging the potential downsides of divorce.

Affirming the Children's Stake:

If the LO spouse brings up concerns about the children, affirm their role as stakeholders in the decision-making process.
Example: "I understand. This is a significant issue and one of the potential downsides of divorce."

Addressing Overly Optimistic Scenarios:

If the LO spouse presents an overly optimistic view of divorce (e.g., "We get along well, and I think we could handle the divorce well"), gently push back with research findings.
Example: "The research shows that even when parents cooperate, there are many changes that kids go through, not just immediately after the divorce, but over the years, especially if either parent remarries and introduces new family dynamics."

Gentle Pushback and Letting Go:

After affirming the children's stake and gently pushing back on overly optimistic views, let the topic go unless the LO spouse brings it up again.
Focus on building a connection and understanding the LO spouse's perspective without being overly pressurizing.

Future Sessions:

In subsequent sessions, you may delve deeper into the topic if it becomes relevant to the LO spouse's decision-making process.
Continue to affirm the children's stake and provide research-based information as needed.

Conclusion:

Discussing the effects of divorce on children in discernment counseling requires a delicate balance of affirmation, gentle pushback, and informed communication. By acknowledging the children's stake, addressing overly optimistic views with research findings, and letting the topic go unless the LO spouse brings it up, you can effectively navigate this sensitive issue and support the couple in making informed decisions.

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