2 Challenging LI Scenarios

DC 2025 2 Challenging LI Scenarios

This lesson addresses two challenging leaning in scenarios in discernment counseling: the “this isn’t fair” stance and the “higher ethical standards” stance. It emphasizes the importance of ethical considerations and pragmatic approaches in working with these clients.

Key Points:

Scenario 1: "This isn't Fair":

Presentation: The leaning in partner feels it is unfair that their spouse has had an affair or is thinking of leaving, especially if they have been faithful and working hard to save the marriage.

Approach:

Affirm Unfairness: Acknowledge and validate the client's feelings of unfairness, recognizing the injustices they have experienced.
Superordinate Goal: Shift the focus to their larger ethical goal of preserving the marriage for their sake, their children, and others.
Pragmatic Perspective: Help the client see that dwelling on unfairness will lead to misery and resentment, making it less likely for their spouse to want to work on the marriage.

Goal:

Encourage the leaning in partner to accept the unfairness for the sake of their larger goal, fostering a more productive attitude towards discernment counseling and potential therapy.

Key Points:

Scenario 2: "Higher Ethical Standards":

Presentation: The leaning in partner believes they have higher ethical standards because they have not threatened divorce or had an affair, often leading them to avoid doing the necessary work in discernment counseling.

Approach:

Superordinate Goal: Emphasize the commitment and dedication required to maintain the marriage, including doing the work necessary to understand their partner's pain and their contributions to it.
Challenge Moralistic Stance: Point out that holding a moralistic stance will not work, as their partner will not be willing to "crawl back" if they feel judged or superior.
Expand View of Responsibility: Encourage the leaning in partner to see that maintaining their marriage will involve additional effort and work, including looking at uncomfortable aspects of themselves and the relationship.

Goal:

Help the leaning in partner expand their view of what they need to do to maintain their marriage, fostering a more collaborative and open attitude towards discernment counseling and potential therapy.

Conclusion:

Working with challenging leaning-in scenarios involves affirming their feelings and ethical stances while shifting their focus to their larger goal of preserving the marriage. By validating their experiences and challenging their perspectives pragmatically, therapists can support leaning in partners in becoming more effective champions for their marriage, fostering a more productive discernment process.

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