Exploring LO Attitude of Divorce as Freedom

DC 2025 Exploring LO Attitude of Divorce as Freedom

When the leaning out (LO) spouse presents divorce as freedom or liberation, it is essential to handle this attitude with empathy, understanding, and a strategic approach. This handout provides guidance on how to manage this presentation in the first session of discernment counseling.

DC Handout - Leaning Out Mindsets and Narratives

Key Points:

Understanding the Presentation:

The LO spouse may feel burdened by marriage and family life, often experiencing a midlife crisis.
They view divorce as a means to achieve freedom and a new life.
They may not have specific complaints about the marriage but focus on the desire for liberation.

Empathy and Validation:

Show empathy for the LO spouse's feelings of being constrained and their desire for freedom.
Validate their experience without dismissing their feelings.

Unpacking the Idea of Freedom:

Gently explore the LO spouse's vision of the next phase of their life.
Ask questions that encourage them to think realistically about their role as a parent and other obligations.

Probing for Affair or Fantasy:

Investigate whether there is an emotional or sexual affair or a fantasy of an affair partner.
Example: "In my experience, people who feel this way often have another romantic partner or imagine being involved with someone who represents that freedom. Does that fit for you in some way?"

Normalizing and Exploring:

Normalize the idea of having another partner or fantasy.
Encourage the LO spouse to think more complexly about what has led them to focus on divorce as freedom.
Example: "Could you imagine someone? Is there a real person you picture as a romantic partner in the future?"

Deconstructing the Attitude:

Without being parental or critical, help the LO spouse deconstruct their attitude towards divorce as freedom.
Encourage them to consider the complexities of their life choices and commitments.

Encouraging Complex Thinking:

Open the door for the LO spouse to think more deeply about what has led them to focus on divorce as liberation.
Example: "Let's explore what may have contributed to your feeling of being constrained and your desire for freedom."

Tips for Effective Intervention:

Empathy: Show genuine empathy and validation for the LO spouse's feelings of constraint and desire for freedom.
Unpack the Idea: Gently explore the LO spouse's vision of the next phase of their life and their role as a parent.
Probe for Affair or Fantasy: Investigate whether there is an emotional or sexual affair or a fantasy of an affair partner.
Normalize and Explore: Normalize the idea of having another partner or fantasy and encourage the LO spouse to think more complexly.
Deconstruct the Attitude: Help the LO spouse deconstruct their attitude towards divorce as freedom without being parental or critical.
Encourage Complex Thinking: Open the door for the LO spouse to think more deeply about what has led them to focus on divorce as liberation.

Conclusion:

Handling the situation where the LO spouse views divorce as freedom requires empathy, validation, and a strategic approach. By unpacking the idea of freedom, probing for affairs or fantasies, normalizing and exploring, deconstructing the attitude, and encouraging complex thinking, you can effectively manage this presentation and help the LO spouse consider the complexities of their life choices and commitments.

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