DC 2025

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First Session LO Says Love is Gone

 6 minutes
DC 2025 First Session LO Says Love is Gone

When the leaning out (LO) spouse states that the love is gone, it is crucial to handle this situation with empathy, understanding, and a strategic approach. This handout provides guidance on how to manage this common presentation in the first session of discernment counseling.

Key Points:

Understanding the Presentation:

  • The LO spouse may feel lonely, distant, or like they have a roommate rather than a partner.

Common reasons for the loss of love include:

  • A distant relationship.
  • Different interests.
  • Focusing on children rather than the relationship.
  • Chronic arguing or conflict avoidance.

Empathy and Validation:

  • Show empathy for the LO spouse's feelings of loneliness and distance.
  • Validate their experience without being overly impressed by their reason for considering divorce.

Avoiding Hopelessness:

  • Do not treat the situation as a hopeless case.
  • Recognize that the loss of love is often a result of small decisions and interaction patterns over time.

Introducing the Paths:

  • Early in the first session, discuss the paths of discernment counseling.
  • Explore whether the lack of love means the LO spouse will rule out therapy (Path Three) or is inevitably moving towards divorce (Path Two).

Exploring Treatability:

  • Focus on whether the lack of love is a fixed thing or potentially treatable through good therapy.
  • Example: "In my view, losing feelings of love isn't a magical process but comes from hundreds and thousands of small decisions where people turn away from each other and get distracted by other things."

Planting Seeds for Further Work:

  • Help the LO spouse see that their interaction patterns and personal choices have contributed to the loss of love.
  • Encourage them to think more complexly about the situation.
  • Example: "What interaction patterns have you noticed in your relationship? Have you been avoiding conflict or focusing too much on the kids?"

Assessing Interaction Patterns:

  • Get a sense of the LO spouse's interaction patterns, such as conflict avoidance, focusing on children, or chronic arguing.
  • Example: "Have you noticed any patterns in how you and your partner interact that might have contributed to the loss of love?"

Opening the Door for Therapy:

  • Plant the seed that the loss of love is potentially treatable in therapy.
  • Encourage the LO spouse to consider that their choices and interaction patterns have played a role in the situation.

Tips for Effective Intervention:

  • Empathy: Show genuine empathy and validation for the LO spouse's feelings.
  • Avoid Hopelessness: Do not treat the situation as hopeless but recognize the potential for change.
  • Introduce Paths Early: Discuss the paths of discernment counseling early in the session to explore the LO spouse's thoughts on therapy and divorce.
  • Explore Treatability: Focus on whether the lack of love is treatable through therapy.
  • Plant Seeds: Encourage the LO spouse to think more complexly about their interaction patterns and personal choices.
  • Assess Interaction Patterns: Get a sense of the LO spouse's interaction patterns and how they have contributed to the loss of love.

Conclusion:

Handling the situation where the LO spouse says the love is gone requires empathy, validation, and a strategic approach. By introducing the paths of discernment counseling, exploring the treatability of the loss of love, and planting seeds for further work on interaction patterns, you can effectively manage this common presentation and help the LO spouse consider the potential for change and therapy.

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