First Session: Preparing LI and LO to Deliver Their Summaries

DC 2025 First Session: Preparing LI and LO to Deliver Their Summaries

The summary at the end of the individual conversations in the first session of discernment counseling is a crucial part of the process. This lesson provides guidance on how to prepare the leaning out (LO) and leaning in (LI) spouses for their summaries, ensuring they communicate effectively and constructively.

Preparing for the Summary:

Initial Prompt:

Start by asking, "So, I'd like you to think about what you'd like to say to your spouse about something you've learned in our individual time."
Ask them what they'd like to say and help them refine their thoughts.

Focus on Personal Learning:

Encourage both spouses to focus on what they learned about themselves and their contributions to the relationship.
Example: "I'm interested in what you learned about your own contributions and how your spouse might have been feeling in this relationship."

Staying on Their Side of the Boundary:

Help both spouses stay on their side of the boundary in the relationship, avoiding blame or criticism.
Example: "I think I would not do that one here.” I'm helping them see how their spouse is going to be hearing what they have to say.

Delivering Personal Learning:

Encourage them to deliver their personal learning in a well-differentiated way that doesn't hook the other person.

Preparing the Leaning Out Spouse:

Minimalist Approach:

It's okay for the LO spouse to take minimal risks if they're not up for it.
Example: "I'm willing to come back. We had an interesting conversation and there were some things I'm going to think about."

Encouraging Reflection:

Encourage the LO spouse to reflect on what they might have done differently in the relationship.
Example: "I'm realizing that maybe I haven't done everything I could in the relationship."

Practice and Rehearse:

Allow the LO spouse to write down or rehearse what they want to say.

Preparing the Leaning In Spouse:

Focus on Spouse's Pain:

Encourage the LI spouse to share something they have realized about their spouse's pain and their own contributions to it.
Example: "Think of it as something that is really important you’re taking away that you may not have expressed or realized before.” Take 3 to 5 minutes to help them compose it.

Practice and Rehearse:

Encourage the LI spouse to share something they have realized about their spouse's pain and their own contributions to it.

Damage Control:

If the LI spouse goes off script and says something counterproductive, stop them and redirect them to what was discussed.
Example: "I really want to urge you to stay with what you and I said you were going to say in the summary."

Tips for Effective Summary Preparation:

Active Coaching: Actively coach both spouses on what to say and how to say it, ensuring their messages are constructive and focused on personal learning.
Practice and Rehearse: Encourage both spouses to practice or rehearse their summaries to ensure they deliver their messages effectively.
Damage Control: Be prepared to intervene if a spouse goes off script and says something counterproductive, redirecting them to the agreed-upon summary.
Time Management: Allow 3 to 5 minutes for each spouse to compose their summary, ensuring they have enough time to prepare but not so much that it prolongs the session unnecessarily.

Conclusion:

Preparing the LO and LI spouses for their summaries is a crucial part of the first session in discernment counseling. By following the guidelines and tips provided here, you can help both spouses communicate effectively and constructively, setting the stage for productive future sessions. This approach ensures that both spouses feel heard and supported, fostering a more collaborative and reflective environment for discernment counseling.

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