First Session with Leaning Out

DC 2025 First Session with Leaning Out

The first individual session with the leaning out (LO) spouse in discernment counseling can be challenging but crucial. This lesson provides a structured approach to interacting with the LO spouse, ensuring that you address their concerns, provide empathy, and guide them toward discerning a direction for their marriage.

Key Steps and Considerations:

Initial Connection:

Check-In: Start by asking, "How are you feeling?" This acknowledges the emotional state of the LO spouse after the joint session.
Empathy: Show empathy for their experiences and the pain they've been through.

Allowing the LO Spouse to Share:

Divorce Narrative: Let the LO spouse share their divorce narrative and the reasons for considering divorce.
Details: Allow them to provide details about their pain and the problems in the marriage.
Time Management: Give them 5-10 minutes to share, depending on their talkativeness.

Transition to Discernment:

Summary Statement: Provide a summary statement that acknowledges their pain and the reasons for considering divorce.
Example: "So you've been unhappy for a long time, and when you tried to get your spouse to seek help, it didn't work. You're demoralized, and the problems have built up. I can see why you're seriously thinking about divorce."
Reminder of Goals: Remind them of the goals of discernment counseling: clarity and confidence about a direction based on a deeper understanding of the marriage.

Introducing Path Three:

Invitation: Invite them to discuss Path Three (therapy) by saying, "Would it be okay if we talked about the therapy part?"
Pivot: Shift the conversation from the problems of the past to the possibility of repairing the relationship through therapy.

Exploring Interaction Patterns:

Education: Provide insights into their interaction patterns, such as pursuer-distancer or over-under functioning dynamics.
Systemic Observations: Offer observations about their problems that are systemic and treatable if both partners are willing to work on them.

Addressing Contributions:

Own Contributions: Bring up the topic of their own contributions to the problems.
Example: "Complex problems in marriage take two. I wonder what your thoughts are about some of your own contributions."
Defensiveness: Be prepared for defensiveness and focus on opening the door to this conversation.

Encouraging Reflection:

Ahas: Ensure they have some "ahas" or new insights before moving forward.
Appreciation: Express appreciation for their openness and the difficulty of the process.

Discussing the Next Session:

Invitation: Ask if they are interested in another discernment counseling session.
Report Out: Help them compose what they want to say to their spouse about their new insights and willingness to come back.

Conclusion:

Appreciation: End with words of appreciation for their willingness to work with you.
Finish Up: Conclude the session, ensuring they feel heard and supported.

Tips for Effective Interaction:

Empathy and Validation: Show genuine empathy and validate their feelings throughout the session.
Active Listening: Listen actively without interrupting, allowing them to share their narrative fully.
Systemic Insights: Provide systemic insights into their interaction patterns to help them see new perspectives.
Open Door: Open the door to discussing their own contributions to the problems, even if they are defensive initially.
Encouragement: Encourage reflection and new insights, ensuring they feel heard and supported.

Conclusion:

The first individual session with the LO spouse is a critical part of discernment counseling. By following the structured approach outlined in this handout, you can effectively address their concerns, provide empathy, and guide them toward discerning a direction for their marriage. This approach ensures that the LO spouse feels heard and supported, setting the stage for productive future sessions.

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