Not Injecting Couples Therapy Into Discernment Counseling

DC 2025 Not Injecting Couples Therapy Into Discernment Counseling

This lesson discusses the importance of avoiding couples therapy techniques in discernment counseling, emphasizing the need for a clear distinction between the two processes. Discernment counseling focuses on clarity and confidence, not on changing the relationship, which can be challenging for therapists accustomed to couples therapy.

Key Points:

Distinction Between Discernment Counseling and Couples Therapy:

Discernment Counseling: Focuses on helping couples gain clarity and confidence about their relationship's direction based on a deeper understanding of their marriage and each person's contributions to the problems.
Couples Therapy: Aims to change the relationship dynamics and improve communication and interaction patterns.

Temptations to Inject Couples Therapy:

Leaning-In Partner: The leaning-in partner may be eager for changes and improvements, making it tempting for therapists to coach them on making changes immediately.
Avoiding Homework: Therapists should avoid giving homework assignments, as the leaning-out partner has not signed up to work on the relationship and may not comply, reinforcing negative patterns.

Maintaining Boundaries:

Individual Time: In individual conversations, therapists should maintain boundaries and focus on helping clients understand their contributions to the problems and their agency in making choices.
Avoiding Intensity: When couples are together, therapists should avoid seeking intense emotional responses or therapeutic interventions, focusing instead on maintaining a neutral and supportive environment.

Mindset Shifts and Warnings:

Wear the Right Hat: Therapists should be aware of the "hat" they are wearing, ensuring they are in discernment counseling mode and not slipping into couples therapy mode.
Focus on Paths and Agency: Therapists should focus on helping clients understand the three paths (divorce, separation, or couples therapy) and their agency in making choices about their relationship's future.
Avoid Family of Origin Work: Therapists should avoid spending too much time on family of origin issues, as this may lead to insight but not necessarily clarity about the next direction for the relationship.

Practical Tips:

No Homework: Avoid giving homework assignments, especially to the leaning-out partner, as this can reinforce negative patterns.
Maintain Balance: Encourage the leaning-in partner to maintain balance and avoid pursuing or distancing during the discernment phase.
Use the Subjunctive Tense: When discussing potential therapy topics, use the subjunctive tense to indicate that these are not current actions but possibilities for the future.

Conclusion:

Avoiding couples therapy in discernment counseling requires therapists to maintain clear boundaries, focus on clarity and confidence, and resist the temptation to coach clients on making immediate changes. By wearing the right hat, focusing on paths and agency, and avoiding intensive therapeutic interventions, therapists can support couples in gaining the clarity and confidence they need to make informed decisions about their relationship's future.

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