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What they perceive DC is and how it might help. How each sees the conflict in the Rshp. He can see she doesn’t feel supported, hasn’t shirked from responsibilties as a father, but may have shirked from being a husband. Sees he’s been focused on work. Not feeding the reshp as much as should have been over past 5-10 years. Also she hasn’t let me do that, combined forces, not strong territory to thrive and grow in our marriage. Doherty: Validates his reflection on it, and w/ all the therapy hasn’t been able to make a decisive shift. His reflection of illness/heart issues of daughter and the impact on the marriage, burn out. Doherty, lots of validation, gets his story: Describe Goals are clarity and confidence about direction for your marriage based on more understanding of what’s happened to the rshp Goals are not to improve the rshp, understand what the problems are, whether solvanbe and if want to make effort to solve. Then gives the 3 paths….if in 6 months if learned enough, we want to keep going. Someone leaning more out of the rshp, other is leaning more in . . . structure: max of 5 sessions, decide each time whether to have another one. 1st is 2 hours, subsequent is 1.5 hours….reason we do the separate ones, is usually leaning in one is in different postion than leaning out one, hard in therapy when one says not so sure, turns a monkey wrench in the therapy . . . . DC assumes someone isn’t so sure, not trying to improve things but just get clarity on things. how does that sound in terms of it being helpful? Trying to make things work for beneift of children, H sees he is the leaning in person…D asks Would you say you still are leaning in? H answers, I’m less so than I was but still am keen to make it work. Approach is on a clear, back to basics….D clarifies, you are still leaning in but you have stepped back and have more perspective on things now, the period of calm can be helpful, b/c when still in the mode of one more thing can change or fix this, or there is that argument one more time….you leaning in, part of my work w/ you will be to help you understand more clearly about how W experiences the rshp and experiences you….and same for her. . . . let’s not abandon ship at this point, let’s see if we can use the crisis now to see if we can make things better, it may or may not be possible, important for you to accept the point wife is leaning out…common to feel betrayed other person is considering leaving you and drives person away. Accepting she is leaning out now is important….H struggling with wisdom of her leaning out….D validates, you can’t make her stay, can see it as a mistake, but not fighting her on it or blaming her, someimtes leaning out spouse goes on crusade to change others mind and then drives them away. I;ll be doing the same thing is to help her also see her part, job is not to discuss the other person’s part, but their own…..buy in from H and can see motivation of wife. Want to do it for myself and for sake of our marriage, she can see I’m prepared to step into these forumns to try everything. D’s last question, safety questions, to make sure we don’t put anyone at risk.
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